emotionless
by kvm
Summary: AU future fic. 18 yearold Atticus Mariano never had a father until Jess shows up in Stars Hollow. *Please note - this was written a long time ago and recently ff has changed the formatting. i apologize for the format issues it wasn't like this originally
1. chapter 1

**Title: **Emotionless

**Author: **Kait.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own it, probably never will. Lyrics are from the song "Emotionless" by Good Charlotte.

**Rating: **R.

**Summary: **AU fic. At 36 years of age, Jess Mariano has become the last person he ever wanted to be -- his father.

_Hey Dad, I'm writing to you..._

_ Not to tell you, that I still hate you;_

_ Just to ask you how you feel_

Mr. Mariano,

First, I want you to tell that I don't hate you, anymore. I've had this insufferable urge to write you for the past few months. Countless drafts have been put onto paper, but none have ever made it off my desk. I want to know so many things; there are just so many things that I need to know.

_Are you happy out there in this great, wide world?_

_ When you lay your head down, how do you sleep at night?_

_ do you even wonder if we're all right?_

My mother told me that it wasn't my fault. She told me that you were just scared, and that you didn't think you could handle it, so you ran. I need to know if you hated me, or if you still do. I need to know why you ran away, and why you didn't love me.

I need to know if I ever cross your mind.

_It's been a long, hard road without you by my side_

_ Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried_

_ You broke my mother's heart._

_ It's not ok; but we're alive. _

Life hasn't been easy for us. To say that it's been arduous would be both an understatement, and a blatant lie. I really could have used you in my life. Maybe then I wouldn't be so fucked up on the inside. So should I blame you for the way I turned out? Will you be man enough to give me permission?

_I'm writing just to let you know that I'm still alive. _

She says that I have your eyes. I hate to get all sappy on you and shit, but it must be the truth, because I sure as hell didn't inherit the Gilmore baby blues. Not that I mind, they make you look innocent, and that just wouldn't look right on me.

I'm way too fucked to be innocent. From what I've heard you weren't very innocent yourself, maybe that's where I got it from. They also say that you screwed Rory over. I guess they mean literally, but she's been pretty emotionally unstable since you left. Not that I knew her before that, but I'm guessing she wasn't always like this. Not from the stories I hear about her as a kid. Did I strike a chord there at all? Mentioning her name? Do I have your interest now?

I didn't want this letter to be about bitching you out. I just wanted you to know that I made it to 18. My birthday was last week, I don't know if you remembered or not, but now you can.

_The days I spent so cold, so hungry_

_ Were full of hate; I was so angry_

_ those scars run deep inside this tattooed body_

_ there's things I'll take to my grave_

_ but I'm okay._

I'm okay now. Life is fine. I guess I just needed you to know that...that I'm okay. It's amazing that the hate that consumed when I was younger is almost completely gone. Maybe I'm starting to understand...although I'm not sure I ever completely will. How you could leave...you said that you loved her.

_Sometimes, I forgive_

_ yeah, this time I'll admit_

_ That I miss you, said I miss you_

Rory Gilmore. My mother. The woman you got pregnant at the age of 18. You probably were just another asshole who pretended to be all deep and brooding just to get her into the sac. You're the kind of guy that no one should ever trust their daughter with because you're cold and bitter on the inside, and all you know is pain and anger. I know this because I know something else, something she whispered to me one night while she was half asleep.

I am you.

_It's been a long, hard road without you by my side_

_ Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried_

_ You broke my mother's heart_

_ It's not okay, but we're all right_

I'm writing just to let you know that I'm still alive.

_Hey Dad._

Atticus Mariano.


	2. chapter 2

**Title: **Emotionless  
**Author: **Kate M. better known on the net as many things including (kait, katem_23, kate, k8, kiss_me_k8 [FF screen name], and GWTDC)  
**Chapter: **2.  
  
**Disclaimer: **Don't own it, probably never will.   
  
**Rating: **oy, you know what? I'm going R on this one baby. Lots of swearing, and lots of sex talk, maybe even some actual sex, although i doubt i'll be going into that one.  
  
**Summary: **AU fic. At 36 years of age, Jess Mariano has become the last person he ever wanted to be -- his father. In this chapter - the repercussions from the letter, on both sides  
  
**Author's Notes: **Oy, okay, so what can i say? I'm inspired right now. Here goes the next chapter. Serious thanks to **kat** because you kick serious ass, and you keep me writing! My fan club of one, and the fastest damn PM'er in the entire world. =)  
  
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The paper fell from his hands and Jess crumpled backwards towards the wall, sliding down onto the hardwood floor. His name was Atticus; His son had a name.   
  
When he had left the room the small child had not been named yet, maybe it was easier not knowing before, although Jess thought about him - and her - several times a day, and a name would certainly make it easier.  
  
It wasn't until he looked at the letter, trembling in his hand that he realized he was shaking. His son had contacted him, and although it was more than he ever could ask for, he had also forgiven him...at least a little bit.  
  
No one had ever come close to understanding why after holding his son is his arms Jess had left the hospital and taken off. He had run to his car and tried to put as many miles between him and Rory...and their son.   
  
Throughout his entire life, Jess had been told he would never make anything of himself; that he didn't deserve love. And when he looked down into the eyes of his son, he had never loved anything more. Until then, Rory was the only person he had ever dared to love, and he had hurt her so much.  
  
He couldn't do the same to his son. As much as he didn't want to, he had to leave. He sent money, twice a month, to Lorelai. Other than the thousand dollars a month, he had no contact with anyone from Stars Hollow. He couldn't bear to look back on it.  
  
Yet every spare moment he had that's where his thoughts traveled; to the only woman he had ever loved; to his son; to the town where he found a place.  
  
He had never been as scared as he was when he found out that Rory was eighteen and pregnant. He had done the last thing he ever wanted to - he hurt her.   
  
And now, he needed to make up for that.  
  
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Atticus climbed out of bed and pulled on his boxers. Kiera was still lying on the bed, wearing very little. He had mailed a letter to his father one week before, and in those past seven days he'd slept with three different girls. Kiera was one of the more delusional ones, she She seemed oblivious to the fact that he used her whenever he needed an outlet.   
  
She was one of Stars Hollow's token good girls- one of the ones that Atticus had come to know all too well. It was the same every time, they thought they could change him, but there was too much pain inside for him to deviate from the life he'd already lived.   
  
I'll see ya later. Was the most he could get out while tugging on his jeans and pulling a shirt over his head, before climbing out the window. It wasn't the ordinary small-town cliché, but he didn't mind living up to what was expected of him.  
  
He smirked, getting laid usually didn't make him happy, but this time Kiera had given him a little bit of extra attention. It was almost like she knew' he sighed. He knew that she wasn't that insightful, never would be, she would just go walking around naîve for the rest of her life.   
He missed New York, he missed Boston, and he missed Los Angeles. He missed every place that they had ever lived that wasn't Stars Hollow. Every time they moved Atticus was used to walking down some dark street and making a friend, or at least a contact. He always knew his way around. It was like he had some sort of killer instinct. His mother didn't know how he did it, especially since they always seemed to end up back in Stars Hollow.  
  
It was funny, how obviously out of place he was. How unlike his mother he was. When he walked down the street, he could read people and tell what they thought of him. It was hate. He had never done anything to earn the petty people's respect, and in their eyes he was a burden that his mother had to deal with. But underneath the hard exterior there was a scarred soul, and it had nothing to do with the plebeians in this town.   
  
His mother had to tried to keep the details he knew of his father to a minimum. She never talked about him, so it was hard for him to learn what he needed to know. Once when they had been at a wedding she had gotten drunk beyond herself, and he had pumped her for as many details as he could. That had been nearly two years ago, when they were living in New York but had come home to see Lane tie the knot with her high-school boyfriend.  
  
That had hit Rory pretty hard. Sure, she got to travel, and she had a son and she was know and popular in the world of journalism, but she didn't have the one thing she needed, she didn't have the person she needed. He would probably be the last person who would want his father to come back, but he could tell that she missed him more then anything.   
  
They had a connection. Deeper than her and Atticus; Deeper even than her and Lorelai. Luke once told him that she's been a different person since he left, that it's almost like a piece of her is missing. She always looks so focused, as if she knows exactly what she wants and she knows exactly what she needs to do. But her son is an extremely perceptive person, and he knows his mother very well, so he for him it's easy to see that she's really still the same lost little girl that Jess left. 


	3. chapter 3

**Title: **Emotionless  
**Author: **Kate M. better known on the net as many things including (kait, katem_23, kate, k8, kiss_me_k8 [FF screenname], and GWTDC - if you're fair)  
**Chapter: **3.  
  
**Disclaimer: **Don't own it, probably never will.   
  
**Rating: **R  
  
**Summary: **AU fic. At 36 years of age, Jess Mariano has become the last person he ever wanted to be -- his father. In this chapter - Welcome to the world where Atticus lives. This is the life he is settling into, but is it time to settle? Or are things just about to change?  
  
**Author's Notes: **Ok, so this is taking place in the year 2021...I'm not even going to try and go out on the limb of predicting what it's going to be like, so i'm just sticking to what life is like now, maybe inventing a few new bands and such, but most likely no. Other than that thanks to everybody who reviewed, I hope you enjoy it. Oh yeh, and i added a twist (there's going to be quite a few), you may think something's one thing, but then it's going to be something different...tell me if you catch it ok?**  
  
  
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** Dodge! You're going to be late! Rory called down the hall of the large three-bedroom apartment she shared with her son. It's your first day back!  
  
A sleep-deprived Atticus walked out of his room and headed straight to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. Rory laughed at him and walked back into the kitchen, pouring out two cups of coffee. Just as she turned around Atticus grabbed on of the mugs and downed half the cup before she could open he mouth.  
  
I have to stop by the inn today, and then I have to go to the city, but I'll be back tomorrow. Have dinner at Luke's, there's emergency money in the fishing box, and you know my cell number.  
  
Atticus just nodded and started digging in the fridge.  
  
Don't do anything stupid! Oh, and the keys for the jeep are on the table by the door. Check in with Mom tonight.  
  
She turned to look him in the eyes, I love you. She spun back and walked out of the well furnished apartment. Outside the apartment she sighed and walked down the hall.  
  
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Atticus climbed out of the jeep and purposely mussed his hair. He rolled his eyes and looked down at himself. His usual baggy pants were swapped for well-fitted khakis and his t-shirt exchanged for a long-sleeved Oxford, adorned with the Chilton crest. He rolled his eyes and tried to walk away from himself, towards the school, unfortunately it didn't work and his body - including the uniformed part - followed right behind him.  
  
He made a quick stop in at the guidance office, and headed towards his locker- 323- And spent a few minutes fiddling with the door, he got frustrated and slammed it open. Pulling out his books he saw a figure moving astutely in his peripheral vision.   
  
Hey stud, back already? I didn't think we'd see you until at least October, yet here you are on the first day.  
Yep, here I am.  
So, any big plans for Friday night?  
He pushed her back against the lockers and whispered seductively, I probably will have some homework to finish up. his breath lingerered on her ear, causing a sensation to rise throughout her body, she pushed him backwards, and he smirked. It was so easy to cause a rise in the Chilton girls. He knew that when he was close to her she could barely contain herself. She gave him a coy smile, I'll see you around Dodger.  
  
He watched her walk away. He had been coming to Chilton on and off for the past three years. At first he had tried to keep his personal life and school separate- he figured it would be easier that way, and he had done a fairly good job of it. He liked the way the girls whispered about him, and how the guys had stopped asking if he wanted to go drinking on the weekend, because the answer would always be no.   
  
He was what was supposed to be considered a , but chances were that he wouldn't be graduating at the end of the year. Chilton was hard enough for people entirely focused on school, for Atticus, it was like teaching a three-year old Quantum physics. He always passed, but he was by no means his mother. His focus had never been school, that was just who he was. He had never dreamed about Ivy league, actually he had never really dreamed much at all. Except when he was little and he dreamed that one day Jess would come back.  
  
But he'd given up on that a long time ago, and now wasn't the time to think about it. He shook it off and walked to class.  
  
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On his way from History to Calculus he encountered three people he would rather have skipped seeing - Teal Harris, Oliver Terra, and Dominique DuGrey. Three teenagers who had more money than they knew what to do with, and used sex as a weapon better than anyone else Atticus had ever met - including himself. They were the new generation Chiltonites and they knew how to party. When they weren't making out with their flavour-of-the-day, they would terrorize those less fortunate than themselves - the ones who didn't always have the Hartford mansion to themselves, and couldn't afford to drive their Jaguar while intoxicated.   
  
At first, Atticus was the target of these attacks, however after throwing Oliver against a locker and having an intimate encounter with Dominique, both in junior year, the trio had a silent respect for him, and left him alone - for the most part.   
  
He was silently praying that they would walk by without notice. He had never actually been to Chilton on the first day of the year, and so far it wasn't going very well. Of course, Teal never could hold herself back when she saw that the enigmatic boy had returned and she felt it was her duty to point out the fact to her more oblivious friends.   
  
Hey Dodger. She sauntered over to where he was standing, and the other two followed. Atticus rolled his eyes at the nickname that nearly everyone he knew had coined him with. His mother had called him it since he was little, and somehow it had not only stuck, but spread as well.   
  
It was probably when he was about 14 and had realized how anti-himself he really was. The name Atticus was synonomous with the good-doer, and he tried to be anything but. The only thing he ever put any effort into at all was school, and even then most of the time it was pretty half-assed considering what he could actually do.   
  
And he read. He read with such a great voracity that sometimes everything else was forgotten. He had the concentration of both of his parents combined, and unbeknownst to him his favourite place to read was the same very place where his parents often lingered together.   
  
he said curtly, and Dominique pretended to look away with disinterest.   
So books, back for another year? I'd heard from Sofie that you were back but I thought maybe she'd mistaken you with someone else again. Oliver said  
  
Books' he nearly snorted, but held it to himself. It was yet another nickname he'd picked up. This one Oliver had culled himself, and although he was the only one who used it, it still bothered Atticus every time he heard it.   
  
Yeah, well as much as I hate to leave yet another rousing conversation with you I'm late for class. he pushed past the first two but was stopped in his tracks by the intoxicating atmosphere that was Dominique. He raised his averted eyes and they locked with dazzling blue- everyone said that she had her brother's eyes.   
  
For someone who's so bad, you sure care a lot about making it to class on time. she said with a seductive glow.  
It's the least I can do for my mother, manifesting all the strength he held inside of him, he tore away his eyes, and headed down the hall.  
Goodbye, Atticus. as the words left her lips they burned through him. He remembered the time he had opened up to her, and ever since that night while everything else between them had changed, she had refused to call him dodger'.   
  
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He opened the trunk of the jeep and threw his backpack, and laptop in, then slammed the door shut. Walking around to the driver's side door he saw out of the corner of his eye a football flying in his direction. He turned around and just in time caught it with what appeared to be a practised ease, although Atticus would be more likely to be found wearing a pink skirt before out on a football field.   
  
He looked around the parking lot for the sign of who had thrown the ball, but after observing no one he turned back to his car. A moment later he sensed someone behind him and turned around. When he saw who it was his face broke into a genuine smile, something not often seen sustained on Atticus' face.   
  
The only person he'd ever gotten along with outside his family, and the only person Atticus had ever felt understood him - Tobey Hart. Not only was Tobey not a rich prick like the other 99% of the student body, he also was the only person able to outwit Lorelai and name more punk bands than Lane. The kid was a walking encyclopedia when it came to pop culture and the ecclectic, and to top it all off, he was down to earth and mellow enough that Atticus didn't phase him one bit.   
  
I was beginning to wonder if they shipped you off to military school again. Atticus said with a laugh  
Yeah, well the rumour mill said you were back but I didn't want to get my hopes up by believing them, I had to see it for myself.  
Atticus smiled, took a step back and gestured to himself, And here I am.  
Here you are. Tobey smiled and then grabbed him in a headlock. Although Atticus was tough, unprepared he was no match for his friend, who stood 61, and had an extra 40 pounds on him. So what are ya doin' tonight?  
Well, Rory's out of town, and I'm supposed to make the rounds, other than that I'm free...you up for a visit to the Hollow?  
Tobey cringed, Normally, I would take you up on your fine offer, but mother has a dinner party tonight where my presence is compulsatory. Sorry dude.  
Atticus just shrugged, It's okay, I was sort of hoping I could talk to Luke about something anyway.  
Yeah...so how long are you here for anyway?  
Indefinitely, it seems that mom has worked it out that she can live in Stars Hollow, and still keep her job...just cut back on some of the field work and increase the commuting time.  
Well that's good right, I mean at least you won't have to get yourself aquainted with another big city, right?  
Yeah, I guess. his thoughts drifted back to what he was going to ask his uncle, and suddenly he became anxious to get out of the school. Listen, I'll see you tomorrow ok?  
Okay, bye.  
  
He climbed into the jeep, and glancing over his shoulder pulled out of his parking spot. Once he was out of the Student Lot he pulled onto the highway and began the familiar route back to Stars Hollow. 


	4. chapter 4

**Title: **Emotionless  
**Author: **Kate M. better known on the net as many things including (kait, katem_23, kate, k8, kiss_me_k8 [FF screenname], and GWTDC - if you're Fair- lol)  
**Chapter: **3.  
  
**Disclaimer: **Don't own it, probably never will.   
  
**Rating: **R  
  
**Summary: **AU fic. At 36 years of age, Jess Mariano has become the last person he ever wanted to be -- his father. In this chapter - More of Atticus, and maybe a bit of a cliffhanger at the end...  
  
**Author's Notes: **Bah! ok, so i never wanted to be one of those people who begged for reviews or stopped posting unless they got a certain number of posts...i thought my writing was good enough that people would _want_ to post, and i wouldn't have to beg. i'll take anonomous reviews! i don't care what it say, even if it's crap, just give me some input. It's extremely important to me and the story. If i don't get more I might have to change the summary to something flaky because that seems to be all you people want nowadays. sheesh.  
  
**To:  
kat -- **you are my queen, i don't know what i'd do if i didn't always have your support, thank you so much. you are my goddest.   
**Ahmee** -- ahh, i love ya. yes, i am senile. but don't worry, it wont damage my ability to write fic.   
**ophelia **-- you are a wicked reviewer, and one of my most faithful fans, thank you so much.   
**Sarah V.** -- all those questions and more, to be answered in this chapter and the ones to follow.  
**  
Everyone else who reviewed:** my greatest thanks. I appreciate every word you type out, whether it is reviewing me or entertaining me with your own ideas and concepts. Thank you.**  
  
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**Lorelai smiled when she saw her grandson walk in the door of the inn. She loved it when he was at home, and now that it seemed like him and Rory were going to be around for a while, she wanted to try and improve their relationship - not that there were many problems with it, just that they weren't as close as they once were.  
  
Hey babe! What's up? she walked out of her glassed-in office and gave Atticus a hug.  
Chilton sucks, I can't believe Rory went there by choice  
Yeah, well you haven't been the first person to say that over the years...So can I get you something? Uh, we've got...corn, Corn dogs...corn nuts...Corn...on the cob! Do you even like corn?  
Atticus looked bewildered at his grandmother, What's up with the corn?   
Oh! Sookie accidentally ordered twice the amount of corn last week and she didn't know what to do about it, so all the food includes corn this week... she tried to explain,   
Could you just get me some coffee?  
Whoa, what kind of a question is that? Of course You can, what kind of a grandmother would I be if i withheld the elixer of life from my own flesh and blood. Follow me. Lorelai grabbed him by the arm and led him into the kitchen.  
  
As they walked into the kitchen they were greeted with the distinguishably sweet aroma of corn bread.  
  
Sookie! Look who's here! He wants coffee, can you get him some coffee?  
Sookie looked across the kitchen at her best friend who was standing beside a medium-height young man with messy, short brown hair, and a strangely familiar fire in his eyes. Having seen him just two weeks before when she catered his eighteenth birthday, she instantly knew that she was in the presence of Atticus Mariano.   
  
a smile spread across her face as she remembered the times when he was at the inn nearly everyday, and was still a little boy.   
He smirked and greeted her back with false enthusiasm, Hey Sook!  
  
Lorelai glared at his sense of humour and nudged him hard in the back, wiping the look of distaste off his face.  
Sorry, James Dean here just had a bad day.  
Sookie just nodded, she'd heard stories about how much he'd changed after they'd moved from New York to LA. She hadn't had much of a chance to talk to him when she'd seen him before, so this was one of the first evidance of just how different he had become.  
Well, I think that I still have some coffee left over from that afternoon luncheon that will still be warm...I'll uh, go check. Sookie walked back over to the side of the kitchen where she was working before the pair arrived.  
  
Lorelai gave Atticus a aporetic look, and when he caught her glare he instantly threw his gaze towards the floor. I'm sorry  
She sighed, it wasn't his fault _really_ his life had been far from perfect, and expecting him to be like her daughter was too much to expect. Of course, they had their similarities, even Atticus and Lorelai had their parallels, but specifically Lorelai knew who had the most in common with him, and it was neither of them. It was someone Atticus was extremely close to, yet had never encountered.  
  
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Atticus closed his eyes, took a deep breath and pulled open the door of Luke's diner. A hush fell upon the people inside as he strode through the door, and inside to the counter. He sat down on a bar stool and waited patiently for his uncle.  
  
Upon rounding the corner and coming back into the main room of the diner, Luke's eyes fell upon a familiar looking boy sitting at the counter. Dressed in Khakis and a crested dress-shirt, the dark-haired boy not only looked slightly out of place in the diner, but also in himself. His grand-nephew did not belong in a Chilton uniform, but he seemed to enjoy school so Luke was sure Stars Hollow High wasn't the place for him.  
  
Hey At- he caught himself Dodger, what can I get you?  
Atticus' eyes staggered around the room before locking with his uncle's. Uh, can we...talk? Alone somewhere?  
  
For the most part Atticus had grown up without a father. Without any one specific male role model in his life that he could look up to, but he knew if he ever needed anything, Luke would be there for him. Which was one of the reasons he didn't feel that badly about asking him for advice.  
  
Luke led the way upstairs to his once-apartment, that was now converted into an office for the diner, and his personal use whenever he needed a break from the diner. Once inside he motioned for Atticus to take a seat on the couch on the left side of the room, and Luke settled into a large armchair.   
  
Luke smiled, trying to comfort the boy who looked somewhat nervous. Can I uh, get ya something? he asked  
No...thanks...I'm fine.  
Luke just nodded, he simply needed time to find the words, and Luke could wait. After a few moments Atticus looked back up at his uncle, then away again.  
I need to know...about Jess...  
  
Luke looked pained for a moment, silently cheering that his nephew wasn't looking at him. Jess. He hadn't thought about him in a while. Of course, the thought of him crossed his mind all the time, but he had begun to stop wondering where he was and what he was doing. A few years before he had set out to find him, he was dead set for tracking him down and shaking him for all he could. But when he had found out where he was, he couldn't bring himself to go see him. So he shoved the information he'd found - mostly address, place of employment, phone number, and marital status- into a drawer in an upstairs filing cabinet. He looked back now at his nephew's son, who was now nearly a grown man. During his life he'd had to grow up a lot faster than he deserved to, but it had done him some good, Luke mused. Still, no one deserved to grow up without a father.   
  
Well, uh... Luke wasn't sure where to start, I-uh...well, what do you want to know?  
Anything...everything...um, I sort of, wrote him... Atticus looked up expectantly.  
Luke's eyes shot up and he looked incredulously at the boy, I'm sorry?  
I wrote him...a letter... Atticus explained, he sighed and sat up to further the thought, A few months ago, when we were visiting at Easter, I came up here to get you some paper, and I don't know why but I started, I uh...I started going through some of your things...that filing cabinet. He stated, pointing across the room to the cabinet that held the information about Jess. Luke just sighed and waited for him to continue again.  
I found...I found the information...on Jess, and I wrote him because I just, I needed to...I needed some closure, I don't know why I did it, but I did. Now I don't know what to think...  
Luke stood up and walked over to where Atticus was sitting, taking a seat next to him, on the couch. It's okay. I can understand, I mean I was the one who tracked him down in the first place, I'm just sorry I did because if I hadn't then you wouldn't be in this position.  
His eyes flickered with anger, Why do you want to be sorry? I don't regret what I did, so neither should you.  
Luke was a little startled by his tone, and taken aback that he was angry that Luke didn't want him to know, well...I just... he was totally at a loss for words.  
Atticus stood up, and looked down at his uncle, It wasn't my fault that he left, but it would have been my fault if I hadn't at least tried. He left me, and I need to know why. I need to know why he hated me so much that he couldn't bear to stick around. he turned and walked out of the office, storming out of the diner without making eye contact with any of the startled patrons.   
  
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After a few minutes Luke came back downstairs. He was getting too old for dealing with teenage angst, god knows what he would do when his own kids hit sixteen, but he had faith that he hadn't screwed them up too badly, at least, he hoped he hadn't. Nobody ever would have thought that Rory's child would end up the way he had, although there was definitely some reason for it. He sighed and looked around.  
  
The diner had been the same for what seemed like forever. Taylor still came in bothering him about the same things, and Luke thoroughly believed that he was even more senile now than he had been twenty years ago. Kirk still lived with his mother and still insisted that Luke make his sandwiches without crust. Patty still drifted from man to man, always taking time to check out the latest seniors at the high school - a thought that made Luke shudder because he remembered when _he_ was a senior in high school and Patty had sized him up like a piece of meat.   
  
Luke looked around and saw a few customers in need of a refill of coffee. He turned his back to the diner and picked up the coffee pot. Before he turned the bells on the door sounded and he gave a non-committed look towards the door. At first glance Luke thought that it was Atticus back for another round, but after looking away and thinking about it he doubled back and looked up at someone that while he had a lot of the same characteristics, he was much older and had a pain in his eyes much harsher than the one his son carried. Luke's steps faltered and he held onto the counter. This isn't happening' repeated in his head.  
  
Holy shit came from across the room and all eyes fell on the figure standing in the doorway.  
  
  
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A/N 2: ok, so now what do we do? Review! ...you know you want to... :)  
**


	5. chapter 5

**Title: **Emotionless  
**Author: **Kate, kait or k8. to each their own, call me whatever you want.   
**Chapter: **5.  
  
**Disclaimer: **Don't own it, probably never will. I don't own the band Anti-flag either.  
  
**Rating: **R  
  
**Summary: **AU fic. At 36 years of age, Jess Mariano has become the last person he ever wanted to be -- his father. In this chapter: do you really want to know? yeah, i'm not telling. ok, well i'll tell you that most of this is looking into Atticus' past and showing you how he got to where he is now.   
  
**Acknowledgments: **Although she probably won't ever read this because she's a massive Trory fan, **ChristineCS** had a major role in inspiring me to write this. While my idea is extremely different from hers, we have some extreme parallels between her and my story. Not to mention that her fic is absolutely beautiful and brilliant on its own, and I definitely recommend that you all go and read it.   
  
**Author's Notes: **Hmm, well I did better this time, I got more reviews. Guess taking a stand works sometimes (huh **kat?**) Oh, I will be updating SWK...um, by Christmas I promise ok? it'll be my christmas present to all of my wicked reviewer. Thank you to everyone that reviewed, it really, really means a lot to me. ok, so REVIEW! REVIEW!! REVIEW!!!  
  
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** He opened the door and threw his keys on the table in the hall. It had been one fucking long day, and he was way too tired to even think about going out that night. He walked down the hall, into the living room, and flopped down onto the wide armchair putting his feet onto the ottoman.   
  
His arms lay limply beside him and his head had fallen back onto the headrest when the ringing of the phone sounded. His eyes opened slowly and he glared at it from where his head lay. Picking it up didn't seem like one of his bigger priorities at the moment. Actually, he felt so wasted that dying was higher on his list of ascendancy.   
  
But he felt compelled to press the button linking him to the caller. A ringing phone always intrigued him because 9 times out of 10 he had no clue who was on the other end, and he loved things that were unpredictable. He would have guessed that it was his mother, however she usually didn't call until after 8. Maybe some slut he'd screwed around with in the past week...what were all of their names again? He remembered that Kiera had been the day before, but before that it was a little hazy...he knew that when he slept with the first one he had been very, very drunk. To the point where he no longer could remember where he lived and ended up sleeping on someones back lawn. He thought about the second one and remembered that she was extremely hot. A perfect, tight body and long blond hair...she hadn't been a virgin. Actually, she was pretty far from a virgin, she'd been killer in the sac. _But what was her name?'_ he thought.   
  
Shane. It hit him quickly, and he wasn't quite sure why it had such an impact on him when he remembered. His attention snapped back to reality when he realized that he had been holding the phone in his hand for a quite a few seconds.   
  
his voice was cold and gave the obvious impression of a negative disposition.   
the seductive voice on the end rolled the r' at the end of his name, and he quickly knew who he was talking to.   
Taking a deep breath he slowly exhaled and in the most collected voice he could muster evenly pronounced Teal. How may I be of service? he always tried to seem as unshakable as possible around these Chilton girls, even when he seemed   
Well my as positive and upbeat as you sound I'm going to insist that I ask nevertheless. It seems that my parents have decided to go out of town, leaving me with the responsibility of throwing the first party of the year on Friday. Of course being one of Chilton's most _distinctive _seniors I thought your presence would be indispensable.  
A Chilton party? he pretended to mull it over, _yeah right'_, No thanks.  
Well it wasn't an unexpected response, but you can't blame a girl for trying. I'll see you tomorrow.   
he was ready to end the call but Teal never gave up that easily, especially where a guy was concerned.  
Oh, if it makes a bit of difference... she waited to make sure she had his attention, Dominique will be there.  
His voice grew slightly cold as he said, See you tomorrow and she knew that she had gotten to him.  
  
Atticus hit the end call' button on the phone, and went back to his original position. Staying like this forever was moving up on the list.   
  
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Cutlery and jaws dropped all over the room, and not because someone had just sworn in Stars Hollow, moreover because at the entrance of the diner stood Jess Mariano- whom no one had seen in eighteen years. He took a step towards the counter and broke the stilled atmosphere that had been created, into a near-frenzy.   
  
The diner was loud, and Jess took this opportunity to approach a stunned Luke. They made eye contact and the diner stilled once again. From somewhere deep inside Luke he used whatever strength he had and slowly said the words Get out  
  
Jess simply nodded and exited the diner. He hadn't wanted to talk to Luke, he just wanted his presence to be known. And now that it was, he had a new destination.  
  
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He landed on his king-sized bed and pulled out a porno mag from underneath his pillow and flipped through the pages. Somehow, he just wasn't in the mood. He picked up the remote for his CD player and turned it on, Tearing Everyone Down by Anti-Flag blared- it was old, but still _so _good.  
  
Tobey leaned back on his pillow, sometimes he hated being rich. No, all the time he hated being rich. He hated everything from the uncomfortable pants he was forced to wear daily, to the fact that he barely had a moments peace. Getting set up on dates sucked too, because he never once found someone he actually wanted to be with, or someone that had more brains than boobs.   
  
He thought about the time that he had gone with Atticus to New York, and he had insisted that he take him down while Atticus dropped a deal. That had been almost three years ago, and that was when Tobey had started on crack.  
  
He didn't do lines very often, and not even Atticus knew that he'd done it more than once. But he always had a stash in his room, for those days when he needed an escape. That was why Tobey had quit playing football - he couldn't pass the drug tests.   
  
He didn't blame Atticus for it - he didn't blame anyone for it. He loved the way that it felt when he was stoned. It was the only time he felt free from his obligations of being the rich boy.  
  
And it was the only way that he could keep the pain from seeping inside, because it put up a saccharine barrier and for a little while, he could pretend everything was okay.   
  
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Atticus rolled out of the chair almost an hour later. He had fallen asleep and now had the feeling of being drugged. He walked into his room, sleep beckoning him towards his bed. He entered and headed straight for the double on the left side of the room.   
  
No girl had ever slept in that bed - he made sure of that. He'd actually never fucked anyone in his own bed, he thought that it was petty. Not that having sex then ditching them was any better, but at least he wasn't bringing home strays. And that way he knew that his mother would never walk in on him.  
  
Rory didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve the life she had, she needed better. Not that there was anything too wrong with her life, but she shouldn't be as cold as she was.   
  
That's why he called her Rory, because she made him suck it up and deal with the life that they had, and it wasn't always fun.   
  
When he was nine they moved to the interior of New York City and he had to walk to the school bus each day by himself. Past where there were deals going down, people being beat up, and whores trying to hustle a little boy for money.  
  
When he was twelve a pimp talked him into fucking some guy for some quick cash. That was when Atticus lost his virginity - to a man. That was the last time he'd been intimate with a man. He swore it off after that one experience, and was abstinant for the next three years.   
  
When he was fifteen they moved to Los Angeles. He screwed quite a few girls while he was there...some he got paid for, and some he just did for fun. The hardest part about living there though was that the whole time he was getting shipped back and forth to Hartford. Of course, being in Conneticuit was a lot closer to New York (and some of his old friends), than L.A., so he made the trip down to see them quite a bit, much to Rory's disproval.   
  
He stayed in Hartford, in an aprtment that he and Rory shared, and he only went to school four days a week, which was why school had always been hell for him. When he wasn't there he took correspondance courses and made sure that he was always caught up, but he never was able to do very well, so he didn't try very hard. But he did it to the best of his ability, because he promised his mother that he would graduate from high school. And that had been the only thing she'd ever asked of him.   
  
However, the trips to the city became more frequent as he got older and the second semester of junior year his mother got so fed up with him that she just pulled him out of school and brought him back to L.A. for good. But while New York turned him into a true American bad boy, L.A. turned him into a sex junkie. Rory couldn't be there for him, and everyone else in their lives were too busy to take care of him on their own, so she decided that what he needed was what his father needed - Stars Hollow, for good.   
  
So mid-August she'd packed up everything they owned and moved them back to the east side of the country. To small town, Conn. Rory comprimised - not for the first time - her life to make someone else happy, and make sure that someone else was safe.   
  
He'd nearly shat himself when he found out, and the two fought for ...actually, they were still fighting. But his calling her Rory wasn't out of disrespect, it was for the pure fact that mom' wasn't a term that he ever wanted to use. He hated every fibre of the word and since he was little he had refused to use it out of spite.   
  
He had an obsession with words, yet he barely ever uttered them.  
  
He'd gotten more used to the idea of living here as of late. There were a few good things about Stars Hollow - close proximity to Tobey, Luke, Lorelai and his aunt and uncle. Not that he'd really spent all that much time with any of them in the past two weeks.  
  
He made a mental note to visit the Danes household sometime in the very near future. But not tonight. He was too tired tonight. The phone rang startling him from his near-sleep.  
  
Twenty minutes later he got off the phone with Rory, and drifted back into his subconscious. 


	6. chapter 6

**Title: **Emotionless  
**Author: **Kate, kait or k8. to each their own, call me whatever you want.   
**Chapter: **6.  
  
**Disclaimer: **Don't own it, probably never will. I just realized that i **do** own something. I own Atticus, Tobey, and all the other characters that aren't on the show right now. wow, i don't own much do i?haha.  
  
**Rating: **R  
  
**Summary: **AU fic. At 36 years of age, Jess Mariano has become the last person he ever wanted to be -- his father.   
  
**Thanks go to:  
kat -- **you are continually supportive of more than just my writing; you are a true friend.   
**julia** -- thanks for your continual support for not only this story but also SWK. It means a lot that you took so much time to voice your concerns for me stopping, but don't worry - it ain't over until it's over.  
**ahmee** -- here, this is writing isn't it! okay, so i know it's not SWK guys but c'mon, gimme a break!  
  
**Author's Notes: **Sorry, short chapter, I suck, I know. Thank you guys sooo much for your reviews, they mean a lot to me. **  
  
  
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**Jess ignored the death stares he got as he travelled through the small town. It didn't look like much had changed over the years...maybe one or two small differences, but on the grand scale it was exactly the same.   
  
He was pretty sure he knew where he was heading because Lorelai had been successful at whatever she had ever tried to do, so her inn would most likely still be standing where it was when he left.   
  
And indeed it was; on the lot where the Dragonfly had once stood. The basic structure was the same, but nearly everything else had been changed. It was perfectly Lorelai, just the right combination of class and craziness.  
  
He made his way up the front doors, and came through the large entrance. Amidst the insanity, the dark man was barely cast a glance, until Lorelai emerged from her office and stopped dead in her tracks.  
  
She had expected a smirk. It wasn't everyday that you saw the man that ruined your daughter's life - not in their scenario anyhow. She was awestruck, and disbelief engulfed her. Thoughts raced through her brain and vanished before she could grasp exactly how she felt. She turned and walked into her office.  
  
Jess, who was slightly consumed with emotion after seeing the mother of his...well, there really wasn't a word for what they were, but seeing her was intense nonetheless, quickly mas made his way across the lobby of the inn.   
  
He slowed when he reached her office door, which had only been haphazardly closed when she had bolted. Although he knew it would be ineffectual - he knocked as he pushed open the door.  
  
Instead of seeing the brave, strong, independant woman who she had always been, he saw a crumpled little girl, hunched over he desk crying. Suddenly Jess was hit with deja vu and he remembered the only other time he'd seen her like this.   
  
And he remembered what he had promised her.  
  
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Rory dropped the copy of her article and sighed. Three times proofed and she still wasn't happy with it. If she didn't start focusing soon she wouldn't have it done in time for the next day's paper.   
  
Coffee.  
  
She needed it. The only time she had lived without it had been the eight agonizing months when she had been pregnant, and even then she slipped it by her mother, Luke, and...Jess.   
  
Now she really needed some coffee.   
  
Four things in this world induced the serious need for coffee - morning, work, her son, and Jess. So needless to say, she drank even more than when she was a teenager.   
  
Thinking about Jess was hard. Harder for her than anyone, because she was the only person that understood why he left. And although she hated him for leaving her, she hated herself for letting him go. She could have stopped him, she had the power. She was just too blown away by the unorthodox situation that she was suddenly in.  
  
Their eyes had locked, and she read his mind. Their thoughts mirrored each others for split seconds. _What if I can't do this?_ She remembered. She wasn't her mother, she was scared as to how her child would end up. Maybe she couldn't handle it. She knew he could, but apparently he didn't. That was why he ran, because she couldn't.   
  
He didn't believe in himself the way that she did. He didn't think that he was capable of raising another human being. And so he left, because that was the only way he'd ever learnt how to deal with things. But he left her alone, and that pissed her off.  
  
Running gets you nothing, but coming back sometimes does. Of course, he never made it back.  
  
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She looked up, her face stoic, Why are you here?  
I thought it was time. he replied inching inside the door  
The time is never right. she sat for a moment, having an internal struggle as to what to say. You've been sending more money lately. she stated.  
I've had more to send, he said simply, then added and I figured Atticus would be heading off to university soon...if he's anything like Rory.  
Her eyes snapped up when he said his name How'd you know his name?  
He brushed it off, Story for another time.  
She paused again, He's nothing like Rory. he waited for her to continue, moving himself once again, further into the office. He's just like...you. His expression didn't change but his eyes lit up, and she rolled her eyes, look, I'm not the one you should be talking to right now. Rory is supposed to be back from the city tomorrow. I'm going to call her and tell her you're here, and I'm letting her decide how long she's going to wait. Until she's back I want you to get a room in the inn and not leave this building. In fact, leave your room as little as possible.  
Jess just nodded and turned to walk out of the office.  
You broke your promise.  
He turned back and looked her in the eyes, And I've regretted it everyday since.


	7. chapter 7

**Title: **Emotionless  
**Author: **kait, kate or k8. **contact: **katem_23@hotmail.com  
**Chapter: **7.  
  
**Disclaimer: **I own all the characters you don't recognize because they aren't on the show. Other than that i own the computer that i'm typing on, and the cd that's playing on it...but i don't own that band...or the song...or anything else for that matter.  
  
**Rating: **R  
  
**Summary: **AU fic. At 36 years of age, Jess Mariano has become the last person he ever wanted to be -- his father. This summary is slightly misleading...it makes sense to me, does it make sense to my readers?? answer me!  
  
  
**Author's Notes: **Sorry, another short chapter, I suck, I know. A lot happens in this one though...so beware! it's an important one. Thank you guys sooo much for your reviews, they mean a lot to me. This story kind of sucks for me because i'm used to writing fairly long chapters and so far these ones have been pretty pathetic. I know, and I'm sorry for it. I'll probably shove a whole bunch of them together further down the line. oh, i thought i'd let you know now-- this is going to be _long_. I've already thought of the title for the sequel (ooh, and it's good) and i've got a long ways to go before then, so good luck you're embarking on a journey. This just might be the first fic i ever happily complete. And so far, it's the one with the most chapters. Yeah but I am warning you - i have trouble finishing stories. So keep me interested. :)  
i love you all. and don't forget to **review! **You all did so well the last time!  
  
Ah, and one more thing...if Sookie suddenly seems grossly out of character, consider the situation.  
  
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Rory slammed down the phone, and she nearly screamed. A senseless escaped her lips. It had been her mother.   
  
Jess.   
  
Jess was back, and he was in Stars Hollow. For several moments she sat- elbows on the desk, head in her hands, eyes closed. _This isn't happening'_. She hadn't been this scared since she found out she was pregnant. _God, not this again'_  
  
She dropped the just finished article onto the desk and scribbled a message onto a post-it, sticking it to her computer screen.   
  
She stood, and swiftly walked across her office, grabbing her jacket of the rack beside the door and slipped out the door. It was going to be one hell of a night.  
  
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He was unsettled. Being in this room, waiting for god knows what, he couldn't take it. He couldn't handle not knowing whether Rory was coming back in two hours or two weeks. He had to get out.  
  
Jess stood and crossed the room. He opened the door and strode down the hall, and then down the stairs. He needed food, and he'd been waiting too long already.  
  
He looked around the dining room and noticed that it was dead quiet. Glancing around the main floor he noticed that for the most part it was abandoned. He saw light flowing from the sides and beneath the kitchen door and heard a couple voices.   
  
Jess walked closer and knocked softly. Hearing quiet and then a firm come in escape from the interior of the room, he gently pushed open the door to reveal Sookie and Lorelai in mid-conversation. Sookie's eyes widened and Lorelai gave him an quizzical look. Can i help you? she asked  
Uh, yeah...I was wondering if I could-  
Sookie cut him short What the hell are you doing here? And why the hell don't you look mad? she said first to Jess then to her best friend.  
Lorelai and Jess both looked at Sookie slightly aghast, she was fuming. Um, Sook? You okay, you're going a little bit...red. Lorelai stated  
I should go. Jess turned to walk out  
Yeah, that's it asshole, just walk out again. After all, we all know you're good at it.   
Jess turned and looked back at her, excuse me? he knew he deserved this- he had expected it,- but it hit a lot harder then he thought it would.   
You left Rory, and Atticus. Not to mention Luke. It's a pity that they ever needed you. she spat.  
I earned that. he stated  
Lorelai put her hand on Sookie's shoulder and for the first time in a long time gave Jess a sympathetic glance. Hey Sook, why don't you go brew some cof-fee. she pronounced clearly to her steaming friend.   
Sookie nodded and turned away, giving Jess a glare before doing so. Lorelai motioned to a couple of stools beside a table just to their left, and the pair sat.  
  
Something you need to share with me Lorelai? Jess gave her a quizzical look.  
she averted his eyes.  
His defences went up, Look, what do you want from me?   
I want to know the same thing everyone does Jess. she said it rather calmly but her voice gained rapture as she continued, Why did you leave them? You loved Rory more than life itself. More than anything ever beforem and don't try to deny it because you told me that once. I don't know... she drifted off trying to contain the emotions pouring out of her, You obviously care about him enough to send money, so why did you leave? You loved them both and you left them to fend for themselves. she stopped abruptly noticing how intensely he was watching her.  
He stood and looked back at her, That's what you want to know? That's the big question you've been harbouring inside for all these years? How long have you been waiting for this moment? Have you been mulling it over for years?  
the answer was cold, stark and ripped silence through the already mute room. I want to know why you came back.  
He paused, closed his eyes, and for a moment just respired. I needed to know. He choked on the words and leaned onto the coffee table for support, I didn't think it was going to be this hard.  
Lorelai was focused on the first half of the statement, You needed to know what Jess?   
I needed to know... he trailed off and a loud noise was heard from within the lobby. Lorelai walked out and returned nearly a minute later, a desolate expression on her face. Go upstairs. I will call you in five minutes. It was blunt and Jess knew it could only have meant one thing.  
  
Rory was home. And she wasn't going to be happy with him.   
  
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Twenty-three minutes and seventeen seconds ago Lorelai had called  
to say that she was on her way; He had been waiting for a knock. His head was encased in his hands and he was breathing deeply.   
  
It finally sounded seconds later and his eyes shot up and stared at the doorframe. It took him nearly a full minute to make it to the door.   
  
When he finally opened it there it the loudest silence on the earth. Scared met Terrified, and a million thoughts came screaming out of both pairs of eyes, but their lips stayed stagnant. The past few movements had taken up nearly all of Jess' energy and he turned back inside and motioned for her to follow.  
  
She sat in the wooden chair that sat adjacent to the desk, obviously set their purposefully. Jess leaned on the bed and glanced around the room, unsure of what to say. Rory never met his eyes.  
  
Finally, she chose to break the silence You're the one who showed up, don't you think that you should be the one who starts? it came out harsher than she had expected but at least she had said something.   
Jess was at a loss for words, finally he managed to get something out, I wasn't sure what to say.  
Why are you here Jess? Rory didn't know where she was getting the strength from, she could barely think of him before and now here she was, the strong one in the conversation.   
His defenses finally went up, and some of the cold, harsh, protected Jess returned I'm here because I need to know that I made the right decision.  
With what? In leaving me - and your son? she was really mad now, she hadn't expected him to be so blunt What do you think Jess?  
He couldn't say it. He couldn't tell her. Why had he come back here? The answers were clear, she wanted nothing to do with him. He couldn't even manage to say what he wanted. I think I'm going to leave in the morning. It was the polar opposite of what he aiming to say, and why he came but it would make everything easier for everyone.   
Fine, It's not like it would be the first time. she stood, and walked towards the door.   
Rory, wait. he said it like it would happen in the movies. Her hand touched the doorknob; his voice softened; she paused. Then she continued, she opened the door and was out of the room in mere seconds. Closing it behind her she walked as quickly as she could down the hall, waiting until she was in a new corridor before she collapsed to the ground, salty water slipping down her cheeks.   
  
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Spasming in fits of tears weren't his thing, but the clock read 4:06 and he'd been doing it all night. This had been his chance - probably the only one he'd ever get, and he'd blown it. It was the kind of thing that either was a disaster, or it worked like clock-work. Unfortunately for Jess, the latter barely happened. He was lucky to catch a break, but he had gotten used to it.  
  
Being screwed over from childhood can wear a person. When Jess had first arrived in Stars Hollow he hadn't been much of a person. He had acted like someone he wasn't because he didn't know who he was. A stranger within his own body. He could remember staring into the mirror for hours and looking into his eyes - the windows of the soul - and seeing nothing. Blank; Stark; Empty.   
  
He had hit a place that no one should ever venture. And then he met Rory Gilmore. Of course, he managed to do what he did best within two years of meeting her - screw things up. And instead of finally becoming the person that he could have been, instead of taking a stand and actually developing a sense of self, he ran like a scared child and hid from the reality where good things happened to people like him.   
  
He wondered if he was walking down the street if he would recognize his own son.   
  
  
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Atticus rolled over in bed and instinctively his eyes opened and stared into the obtrusive red light. Something was bothering him, but he couldn't put his finger on what it was. He felt connected to something, and something was happening, but he didn't know what it was.   
  
He stood and walked over to the laptop that lay on the desk across the room. Opening it, he started some music, and a grainy melody was emitted from the computer. He sat and wrote, his keys following the rhythm of the music.   
  
His computer was one of his only assuages in life. It was an escape from the world, and it was a hell of a lot easier to type than to write everything out by hand. Plus, when he was typing his pace was faster, and therefore his work could be that much more passionate.   
  
He had been reading a lot of Salinger lately. Salinger had passion. He liked his unbalanced view of the world, it comforted him in knowing that he wasn't the only fucked up one in this world.   
  
Although he did know of one person more fucked up than himself, his father.


	8. chapter 8

**Title: **Emotionless  
**Author: **kait, kate or k8.   
**Chapter: **8.  
  
**Disclaimer: **I own all the characters you don't recognize because they aren't on the show. Other than that i own the computer that i'm typing on, and the cd that's playing on it...but i don't own that band...or the song...or anything else for that matter.   
**Rating: **R  
  
**Summary: **If you haven't figured it out yet, you're in trouble.  
  
**Author's Notes: **If you haven't checked out the update for Someday We'll Know and you like my writing style, i recommend checking it out!  
Other than that, thanks for the reviews guys. You all rock.   
  
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_  
_A harsh tone cut threw the air and Atticus rolled over and slammed his alarm clock. Finally, the beeping ceased, and slow but upbeat music filled the room. The four hours or so of sleep would have to do, because Rory would have his ass if he started skipping the first week of school - not that she was around.   
  
He sat up in bed and rubbed sleep out of his eyes. He wasn't going to get used to this easily. And not just the daily grind of waking up and going to school. He had to get used to being around people that cared about him.  
  
And that scared him just a little.   
  
He walked out into the hall of the two-bedroom apartment and ventured into the bathroom. Turning on the shower he stripped off his clothes and stood exposed in front of the mirror that hung over the sink. His hair was a deep brown, nearly black, kept at a length of just over two inches. It was straight for the most part, but it curled at the ends, helping him achieve a negligent look, which suited him well. His body was toned from his traps to his calves and he noticed a hickey near his left hip. He cringed at the site but tried not to dwell on it.   
  
Atticus leaned into the mirror to stare into the eyes of his sometimes unrecognizable self. His eyes belonged to him and only him, but they were so much like his father's people often didn't see the difference. Atticus did. Although for the most part his eyes looked brown, they weren't. They were a deep shade of hunter green.   
  
The green set him apart. It was the only thing that had ever made him believe that he could live without his father. It gave him   
strength on the days when he tried to convince others and himself that he could do without him, although there were days when not even the green could help.   
  
He'd seen expensive psychiatrists, and they all said the same shit. You can live without a father', lots have done it before you'. Blah, fucking, blah. They knew crap. They were the same trust fund kids that had grown up going to schools like Chilton, where they fed everyone the same garbage about family values' and whatever the after-school special morality lesson of the week was.   
  
They didn't know what it was like to be him. No one did.   
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Jess hadn't slept all night. He spent an hour gathering his things and was preparing to leave at 8:00 am, which was now forty-seven minutes away. He wasn't sure he could leave though, the past 72 hours had taken all the strength he possesed within him, and he wasn't sure he had the willpower or was stubborn enough to leave after all he had accomplished. Which wasn't much when you looked at it from a different perspective.   
  
He had come to a place where he lived as a teenager, and had a confrontation with an ex. That was it. That was all he had to justify this trip by. Big fucking deal. He hadn't even attempted to see the real reason he came.   
  
The trip had never been about Rory. He still loved her, yes. But this trip being about her was more than he could ever have dreamed for. The thought of ever getting her back was more then he could even fathom. It was too unrealistic; he couldn't even pretend that it was a possibility.   
  
This trip was about his son, and the more he thought about why he came, the more his decision to leave was swayed. He hadn't come here to accomplish nothing, and he wasn't going to leave that way either.   
  
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When Atticus walked into the kitchen his first instinct told him that he was still asleep. His gut feeling however, told him that Rory had just come home early. But what on earth could possess a Gilmore to give up working in the middle of the night?  
  
It was a statement, more than a question, but his tone reflected wonderment - his mother had never come home early before.   
Hey Dodger. Normally she smiled when she saw him but this time she simply took a sip of the warm, mocha drink that was curled inside her hands.   
Walking over to the counter, he poured himself a mug of the steaming liquid and then ventured back to the woman sitting at the table. He pulled out a chair and sat down across from her. What's up? his eyes shone with bewilderment and it was the first time Rory could remember him being this responsive towards her in a long time.   
Something happened last night. For a moment Rory saw nothing but undiluted fear cross the face of her son. But after a short moment's pause she explained herself outright. Last night I got a call from Lorelai. Dodger,... she couldn't say it. She couldn't do it, it was too impossible to say this. It was four simple words but they would not leave her mouth. Your dad came home.'   
  
It wasn't happening. His eyes followed her stare as it moved off into the distance, she was thinking.   
Her eyes jumped up and she stared back at her son. I-I can't tell you. She was stuttering like a nervous teenager. She really just need to get it out.   
he wanted to know what the hell was going on.  
Rory had had enough, if you wanted to jump you had to do just that - jump. He was here. Rory's tone left no silent questions. He knew who she was talking about instantaneously, just from the way she spoke the words. Atticus' gaze was drawn downward and he stared at the table for a long time before moving.   
  
When he finally moved he simply stood, and walked down the hall. The apartment was still; silent. In two opposite sides of the home two souls sat motionless, silent tears streaming down their cheeks.   
  
  
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Half an hour after their discussion' Atticus heard the front door slam shut. Rory was gone, off to do god knows what. He looked at the clock, he was about to be late for his first period class. Rory would understand, but since he really didn't care to start falling behind on the second day of school.  
  
Dressing in his uniform he got ready as quickly as he could for school. Maybe school would take his mind off the magnitude of what he had discovered. When Rory had finally gotten the words out she had stressed the word was', as in no longer. It was used in the past tense, which meant that his father was no longer in the tiny town where he was currently residing.   
  
He would go to school until lunch, and then re-evaluate what he was going to do about this situation.   
  
Atticus pulled into the school parking lot, he looked into the mirror and sighed once again. This was getting old fast.   
  
Walking into the building where his locker was located. He approached his locker and tapped his best friend on the back. , he said it with a trademark smirk and after a few seconds of no reaction from his friend he began getting a little bit worried.   
  
He put his hand on Tobey's shoulder and after a small tremor Tobey turned around smiling. Hey dude, how's it going?  
Atticus was surprised by his sudden up-beatness, but refrained from commenting. You okay?  
Tobey gave him a strange look and smiled, Of course I'm okay, well aside from nearly passing out at the lame function my mother had last night, but don't worry I found my own way of dealing with it. Another trademark smile came from the son of a business mogul and it put Atticus' mind at ease. Even though Tobey had always been unlike every typical Chiltonite, he still had the charm of good breeding. It was probably why he was so good with women.   
  
The best friends shared their goodbyes and as Tobey headed off to class Atticus wondered why he hadn't been in the last one. He shrugged it off and walked towards Writer's Craft. It was the least difficult of his subjects, and also his favourite.   
  
He was nearly there when for some reason he stopped walking. Glancing around him there was a whirlwind of uniformed teenagers. Out of the corner of his eyes he faintly registered Oliver Terra flirting, arm against a locker, smile playing upon his lips.   
  
Suddenly, he realized what his eyes had been searching for. His gaze locked upon one person. She was slowly walking towards him, in a manner that screamed ignorance towards his position. He cringed and turned towards a wall. He wasn't ready to see her yet. God, and he had thought seeing Dominique would be bad. This was worse. This was all his worse fears ever coming true. Because Dominique had been infatuation; lust. Never anything too scary. She was intoxicating, yes. But this was scary in the way that he wasn't ever supposed to have feelings for a girl., because he'd end up hurt. It sounds pretty cheesy for the bad boy to be thinking, but unforunately it was true.   
  
He took another deep breath and prayed that she had passed him. God, for someone with so much sexual experience, some girls really shook him. Well, two girls. There had only ever been two. He turned and for a moment their eyes sliced through each other.   
  
Her eyes were as strong as she was, and they were a hardened steel colour. Grey was not a strong enough word to describe them. You could see the power in her eyes, and it had always drawn him to her. They blazed in such a way that they could make her seem superior, or just mystifying. Either way, she had always held intrigue.   
  
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She was pacing. She hated pacing. Mostly because it made her look as vulnerable and as frantic as she felt, and that just didn't quite seem fair. It wasn't her turn to look helpless. She wasn't supposed to get a turn at this. It was just supposed to happen, and be over with.   
  
But for whatever reason she kept dragging it on. Standing outside the inn. For some reason last night had just happened in a blur. She had just dealt with what she'd been given. Of course, it did take her more than twenty minutes to reach his room.   
  
There was a point in her life when she thought the difficult parts between them were over. The day she and Dean finally broke up. The day they were sitting in the hospital room staring down at their son. There had been a few moments there that she thought that everything would turn out okay. And then everything shattered again. A few years ago she had thought that the hard part was over, between them at least. He was never coming back, he had made that obvious, so she was firm in her belief that she would never have to worry about him again.   
  
Of course, she never did knock on wood.   
  
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Jess took a look out the window behind the bed and sighed. He had to do this. He had already come this far, he just had to go a little bit further. He had to meet his son, and if staying in a town where everyone hated him, so be it. He was sick of being his father.   
  
He hated every fibre of his father's being since the day he walked out the door of their apartment. And although Jess left before his son could ever even pretend to grow attached, he still knew the same gnawing feeling that came from being left behind.   
  
He wondered if Rory ever got that feeling.   
  
Descending the stairs to the lobby of the inn he became aware of how significant a role he had played in the lives of many. If he had never entered Stars Hollow, maybe Rory would be living on a large estate somewhere in New York, with her playboy husband who was making millions and 2.5 kids. That of course is leaving behind the white, picket-fencing that is Stars Hollow. So maybe he did impact the people in this town, but maybe it wasn't totally for the worse. Trials sculpt character, and compared to him as a teenager, Rory had no clue what heartache felt like.  
  
Jess furrowed his brow, that wasn't completely true. After all, she grew up with her mother, living in a garden shed behind an inn just so they could make enough money to get by. And then she had Chilton to deal with, and she worked really hard at that. Hard enough to get into every Ivy League in the country.   
  
She had been through her share of difficulties, and she was still standing 18 years later. Without him. Maybe that's why he always felt bitter towards the pure and charismatic girl. She didn't need him the way he needed her.   
  
He opened one of the large, french doors at the entrance of the inn and was surprised to see the entity of his thoughts standing before him. He was so taken aback that he nearly entirely forgot his agitated state.   
She was startled to see him and shook her head at his near-forwardness,   
His previous disposition returned and he suddenly was at a loss for what to say.   
You were leaving this morning. she stated it quickly and painfully and it almost made him revert back to the plan he had foretold her last night.  
Change in ...uh..the plan. I'm staying.  
She looked pained when she asked him, and the look on her face begged him to take her out of her misery.   
I came here to see my...o..your son. I came to see Atticus. That's it. I don't expect anything from you or anyone else. I just want to see him.  
And what makes you think he would want to see you? she snapped the sentence and it sent a searing pain through his chest. If he was over forty he would have thought that he was have a heart attack, but he could tell that the words just stung.  
How _did_ he know? He didn't. He was guessing. But from anything he had ever heard - which was nothing with the exception of the letter - he was screwed up, and Jess was partially if not fully responsible for that.   
It's my fault, okay? It's always been my fault Rory. Everytime, and for a while there you stuck up for me and saved my ass but you know what? I'm grown up now. I need to start taking responsibility for my actions.  
And you're just going to start now and think that it makes up for _eighteen years_ of not being there? It doesn't.  
I don't expect it to. But I thought that at least coming back here would do some good.  
Rory sighed and Jess exhaled. It seemed that they couldn't do this without both of them getting their backs raised up. One day - he hoped - they would work it out. But there were way too many left over feelings for that to be an option right now. 


	9. chapter 9

**Title: **Emotionless  
**Author: **kait, kate or k8.   
**Chapter: **9.  
  
**Disclaimer: **I own all the characters you don't recognize because they aren't on the show. Other than that i own the computer that i'm typing on, and the cd that's playing on it...but i don't own that band...or the song...or anything else for that matter.   
**  
Rating: **R - if you aren't completely sure why, you'll figure it out eventually.  
  
**Author's Notes: **I have a semi-colon fetish. Thanks go out to **Kat, Chris, Ashley, Roxy, Green Eve, Vfoxy, Literati Lover, Ahmee, Kathryn, Teni, Melia, Avid, hlf, markie, Emaline, **and last but certainly not least **Stew Pid. **If I missed someone I am truly sorry, you all mean the world to me.  
  
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Dodger? Are you home? Rory walked in looking somewhat frantic. The events that had been established in the last hour were drastic, and she wanted to make sure that she didn't throw too much at her son at once. After determining that he had gone to school Rory turned back around and opened the door to their apartment. Jess? You can come in.  
  
He ventured into the apartment slowly and looked around thoughtfully, as if trying to get some idea of how his family' was doing without him.  
Rory looked at him heedfully, Strange, isn't it?  
Jess looked up,   
Being back here. she stated it quietly, knowing it held great meaning to both parties.  
He looked uncomfortable for a moment and suddenly realized that she was trying to make him less so, by talking about something that wasn't directly to do with their situation. It is strange. Seeing people I used to know...things I haven't seen in almost two decades. It just...seems crazy that it's so similar to what it used to be. I mean, I expected it all to be different but it's almost the same.  
How do you mean?  
I mean, everyone is still here - surviving.  
You mean surviving without you?  
He looked momentarily taken aback and plainly answered with a , then adding but it isn't what you think. I didn't grow up here, I just came and stopped in and learned what this world was like...I wasn't a part of it for long.  
She scoffed, You know as well as I do that you can take yourself out of Stars Hollow, but for as long as you live, and no matter how short a time you stay here for, you can't take Stars Hollow out of you.  
He smiled and cast his gaze downwards, How do you do it?  
She smiled before answering, Do what?  
Don't play games, you haven't been. How do you act so civilized to me all of the sudden? Pretend things aren't the way they are?  
She was solemn, Because if I break down again, I don't know if i'll ever be able to stop.  
Do you hate-  
She cut him off Don't finish your sentence. Now isn't the time for us to talk about this.  
He looked down, she was right. The two sat in silence for a few more moments before Rory spoke up  
How do you know his name?  
Jess looked up and furrowed his brow. I'm not sure I should tell you.  
Come on Jess, what is it? Have you been keeping tabs on us? It's not fair to do this one way. As she neared her tone heightened, she was getting angry again.  
It's not like that at all.  
Then how do you...?  
Don't worry about it, we can all talk about it later.  
Why wont you tell me now?  
Because it's irrelevant. he wasn't looking at her.  
She could tell he was lying. she said it in the way that a mother demands information from a young boy after he's disappeared without reason.  
He looked down, in hopes that she wouldn't figure it out.   
Oh my god. Realisation swept across her face. She may not have known her son well, but she did know him.   
Rory? You okay?  
He...when did he contact you?  
Jess was surprised she had figured it out so easily, and although he was hesistant to give up information, he conceived that it would be innefective to withhold the story. About two weeks ago.  
She stood up and began pacing. She hated pacing. And what? He told you to come here?  
No, it wasn't like that at all.  
Then what was it like?  
Jess whispered, he wanted me to know that he was okay.  
In what way? she was intrigued. She remembered Jess rarely acted this way...he was acting really intense...almost scared.   
He said he didn't need me. And that I shouldn't worry about him...he's alive and he made it without me.  
Rory leaned against the counter, looking dumbstruck.  
What out of character for him?  
No...not really. I didn't know that he had that kind of courage.  
There was a moment's silence before Jess spoke up, He got that from your side of the family. He paused and continued, My side...my father's side...we always ran. When we couldn't deal we would just find the nearest scapegoat and head for it. If it meant losing everything we had; our dignity he looked intensely into her eyes, the things we loved. He lowered his gaze again, I'm just saying, if he has courage it's because of you, and Lorelai. He's had some good role models.  
You're forgetting Luke. she said it quietly, knowing it would affect him. He stilled again, before listening to what she had already begun to say. But you're wrong. Just because your father was a coward didn't make you one. You chose that path all on your own. her words were cold, and they stung.  
I should get going. he glanced around the room, looking for some way out. This was getting much too uncomfortable for his taste.   
Probably. Anyhow, thanks for coming over. When do you want to do this thing? I mean, I'm not exactly sure that it's the best idea for Dodger's well being, but-  
A confused expression crossed his face and he interrupted,   
Oh, yea...it started when he was younger. He's uh...he's a lot like you. I thought the nickname would help with a connection...of course that's basically why I named him Atticus in the first place. Aside from the fact that I've been in love with that name since I was nine. a small smile played upon her lips. Besides, he hasn't let anyone call him Atticus since he was thirteen.  
And why would that be? he was puzzled, his own son completely bewildered him, and they hadn't even met yet.  
She practically snorted. He said that Atticus was the name of a goody-goody and he was anything but. When people found out that he had a nickname they just started using that. I think Luke is the only person who even stumbles anymore.  
He still had a puzzled look on his face, Good to know. Why do you think he signed his letter Atticus' though?  
She looked thoughtful for a moment, Maybe he wanted to seem unfamiliar; detached; professional. He's strange. I have no clue how to get him to open up to me, yet he doesn't seem to resent me. He's just...he's different. Maybe one day I'll understand him.  
Maybe. Maybe that day is closer than you think.  
She looked up at him,   
He turned away and started walking toward the door before turning back, That thing...where do you want to meet and such? When do you want to do this?  
Oh god...uh, we could do it at Luke's...have him close so we could have a meeting on neutral ...well, as close as we can get to neutral territory in this town.  
Somehow I doubt Luke will be too open to that idea. He was fairly vehement with me yesterday.  
I can talk to him, convince him not to be there. I'm guessing if mom's there you wont mind. Somehow it seems you two have come to some sort of a mutual understanding?  
Yeah...kind of. I don't get it yet, but we should all talk.  
she drifted off into her thoughts.  
So when you get it arranged just leave me a message at the inn and we'll hook up.  
Right. Will do. Good bye Jess.  
Good bye Rory.  
  
As the door closed itself behind him Rory remembered the last time they had said good bye that way. And the aftermath that followed. To specify, the insanity that was the next eighteen years of her life.   
  
  
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Atticus wasn't ready to go home. Knowing Rory she would probably want to about the situation, and he had never really been a big fan of communication. Thinking this through, the most obvious of places to go would be to see Luke, since he never asked more of you than you wanted to share.   
  
However as he drove through Stars Hollow seeing a familiar face he pulled over to the curb and jumped out of the Jeep Liberty.  
  
  
A tall, thirteen year-old girl turned a smirked at her nephew, who just happened to be five years her senior. Hey Dodger.  
Where are you going at this time of day? Aren't you still supposed to be in school?  
What? You think you're the only one allowed to skip? she smirked again, her cerulean eyes dazzling. God, Atticus really resented blue eyes.   
Yeah, well, I have a decent enough reason. You, on the other hand better get your ass either back to school or to the diner. Your dad would beat you ten ways from Sunday if he knew you were skipping school.  
Kennedy bit back her urge to make another sarcastic quip, and instead just gave Atticus a withering stare. Yeah, yeah, I'm going. Don't tell your _mom._  
Like I would. he said with a laugh. Although he conversing fairly well, his mind was still elsewhere.   
She began sauntering away, but turned after a few feet, hey, when are you coming over to chill? Like you promised?  
Uhh...soon. I've just got a few other things to deal with. By this weekend, I swear. Besides, I haven't even seen you long enough to make fun of the fact that your hair is bleach blond. he said, a hint of a smile.  
Yeah, well. That guy you used to bring around...that really cool one...he inspired me. she gave him what would be considered a seductive smile if they weren't related and she crept off as Atticus fell into another daze.   
  
A few seconds later, after his aunt had cleared the viscinity he looked around to get a hold of his bearings. He was standing in front of Doose's market. Normally he despised the store, but no matter how bad the look he was given by Taylor his visits were always entertaining.   
  
Entering the store he made his way to the back. Rory would be grateful if he brought home some ice cream, and possibly a few other staples. He was nearly positive that she wouldn't have had the time or the mental capacity to go shopping today.   
  
After fifteen minutes of shopping for the bare neccesities, Atticus put a basket of food beside the register. The stock boy gave him a rough look as he shoved the food into bags and Atticus came to the conclusion that he had most likely screwed around with the poor sap's girlfriend. The glaring continued for the next two and a half minutes while the guy slowly and acrimoniously shoved the contents of the basket, into a brown paper bag.   
  
Finally having nothing left to shove, the neanderthal of a bag boy handed the groceries over to Atticus. Neither boy said a word and Atticus began walking towards the door. Maybe he just had a problem with mysterious strangers. Not that Atticus was much of a stranger in this town.   
  
When he reached for the door handle he found that it was already being pushed open by someone on the other side. As the door opened it forced Atticus to take a step back, and as he impatiently waited for the person to get out of his way, he looked straight ahead sensing that they were at eye level.   
  
Each one of them stared back into the other's eyes, unsure of exactly what they were seeing.   
  
One's mind echoed earlier thoughts and he now held no doubts about recognizing his own offspring. The other was fluctuant as to what his reaction was supposed to entail. This, he had never expected.   
  
  
  
  
The greeting was simple. The emotions fore and aft it, were not.   
  
|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|  
  
a/n 2: Ok, so i hand-entered every little space in each indent because otherwise it just doesn't look as pretty. i think after all that hard work, i should at least get a review...don't you agree? ;)


	10. chapter 10

**Title: **emotionless  
**Author: **kait.   
**Chapter: **10.   
  
**Disclaimer: **I own all the characters you don't recognize because they aren't on the show. Other than that i own the computer that i'm typing on, and the cd that's playing on it...but i don't own that band...or the song...or anything else for that matter. **Lyrics are from If I told you this was killing me would you stop? by the Juliana Theory and What it is to Burn by Finch. **(both amazing songs).  
**  
Rating: **R - if you aren't completely sure why, you'll figure it out eventually.  
  
**Author's Notes: **I'm speeding things up. Just read this and I'll explain at the end.   
  
**Acknowledgments: **To **Chris**, who motivated me to write a chapter in less than a week; and to **Kat** who is not only there when I need her, but also in my sleep.   
  
**Just in case you forget what happened last time:  
**  
When he reached for the door handle he found that it was already being pushed open by someone on the other side. As the door opened it forced Atticus to take a step back, and as he impatiently waited for the person to get out of his way, he looked straight ahead sensing that they were at eye level.   
  
Each one of them stared back into the other's eyes, unsure of exactly what they were seeing.   
  
One's mind echoed earlier thoughts and he now held no doubts about recognizing his own offspring. The other was fluctuant as to what his reaction was supposed to entail. This, he had never expected.   
  
  
  
  
The greeting was simple. The emotions fore and aft it, were not.   
  
|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|  
  
The silence between them was beginning to be deafening. Their eyes were locked so tightly staring back at each other that pangs of irritation were pulsing through both of their faces, but neither one moved.   
  
A father took in every detail of a son he had ever known, and the son stood looking at the man who had given him life, yet he had never met. They felt torn, looking at another so close to their own being. Being ripped from each other's own flesh and blood.   
  
Atticus was the first to move. Tearing his eyes away from the man who had consumed his thoughts for countless hours of innumerable days. Years of hate. He pushed passed him quickly and made his way out the door. As he quickly walked away he fell nearly into a delusional trance. Still questioning what exactly had just happened.   
  
Ten minutes later he was in his room. He wasn't sure how he got there or whether or not he had remembered to put away the groceries. All he knew was that his door was locked, Rory was outside it, his stereo was turned up very loud and he was sitting on his bed with his computer on his lap.   
  
|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|  
  
52 hours later he emerged from his room to take a shower. He was in the hall long enough for his mother to rise out of her chair in the kitchen, and walk down the hall just in time to have the bathroom door shut in her face.   
  
  
Something had conspired between her son and his father. She just had no clue what it was. She was so curious, she was nearly impelled to go see Jess at the inn. However, she knew nothing good could possibly transpire of them meeting again. Searing words laced with underlying innuendo and the implications of what ifs. She was sick of What if'. She spent 10 years with nothing but that phrase reiterating itself in her mind over and over again.   
  
  
They would talk eventually. It was bound to happen eventually, the two of them discussing the situation; The three of them discussing the situation. She barely knew how to deal with things in three-way circumstances.   
  
|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|  
  
It would have been tacky to show up early, so naturally after Atticus hightailed it out of his house he drove to downtown Hartford. Walking up and down the streets he was pulled into a record store located down a main alley to the left, right across from one of Hartford's infamous tattoo parlours. That was the place where Oliver Terra got the japanese symbol for bad' tattooed on his right bicep. The same tattoo that a week later every girl in school had had a close-up view of. Well, almost every girl.   
  
Hours that had been previously spent in the store suddenly caught up to Atticus and his mind was no longer appeased with simple tasks. It kept skipping from one thing to another. He felt like a ten year old with ADHA, only mix it with some crack cocaine. Not even the classy stuff, just the stuff that gives you a cheap trip.   
  
He glanced at his watch and figured that if he grabbed a cup of coffee at the café just down the street, and pulled out a book he could get lost for a few hours, he headed out the door and in the direction of the store. When he walked in he suddenly noticed that a few of the patrons were Chiltonites and prayed that they wouldn't recognize him. He didn't so much mind these ones, they were in cahoots with Tobey after all, but he just felt like being alone at the moment.  
  
However, he had no such luck. The four of them quickly ambled over, obviously on a coffee high, and assembled themselves around his table.   
  
Dodger! What's up man? Atticus remembered his name was Tanner. He'd only met the band' a few times, but their sound was decent and they were pretty mellow for Hartford-folk.   
Not too much. he gave them a slight smile, as he slowly remembered their names. How's it going with you guys?  
The other two remaining guys all shook their heads. Vaylen, the lone girl in the band rolled her eyes and spoke up. I'm good Dodger. All caffeinated and ready for the show. she laughed.  
You guys are playing tonight? he was suddenly interested, at least he knew he wouldn't be listening to hits from the 90's.  
This time one of the mute guys spoke up, Yeah, you know three Cappuccinos before a set, it's a rule or something. The other three laughed, Atticus just sat slightly uncomfortably.   
Is Tobey playing with you guys?  
No. He said he wanted to be at the party, not watch. Tanner laughed, You know him, Mr. Congeniality.  
  
After a few moments of silence the other mute guy- Skogen- spoke up, Hey dude, I thought you lived in the Hollow now.  
I do. he replied simply.  
Then what are you doing way out here? You don't party.  
Correction, I don't party with Chilton. I've made an exception however, just for tonight.  
They all butted in with a few more comments, inquiries, formal gossip, and he evaded most of them until finally the group had to leave to go set up. The second they left the table, Atticus emerged himself in the worn copy of something by Tolstoy he grabbed blindly off the shelf before leaving his room.   
  
A few hours later he glanced at the clock and realized that he had waited long enough to definitely not look like he was eager to attend this party. He stood, dropped a ten on the table for his coffee and walked out of the building.   
  
The thing that had changed the most in his life was money. He had never had tons of it; they had never had tons of it- until recently, with Rory's job in L.A. Since then they could afford private school, plane tickets, two apartments, two cars and almost anything that either one of them needed. He still knew how to not take money for granted though, and that was one of the things that separated him from the rest of the people at Chilton.   
  
As he approached Teal's house in his car he looked at the sheer size of it. It was incredibly massive and he suddenly realized just how much money he was surrounded by. He parked his 2006 Jeep Liberty in between a silver, Porsche Boxter and and a sleek BMW convertible that looked like it had been on the market for less than a week.  
  
As he walked into the open french door he glanced around at the lengths that she had gone to decorate the place and snorted. _This is a bit much._ He scoped the, looking for someone - anyone - who he could slip into a comfortable silence with.   
  
He suddenly didn't know what he was doing here. He didn't want to be here, this wasn't his scene and it wasn't helping. He turned back to the door and Oliver walked up behind him, putting his arm around his shoulder.   
  
he said, exasperated. What, are you doing here?! He was drunk. If it wasn't apparent from the fact that he was practically dependent on Atticus for support it was because his words were slurred and he was over-enunciating his words.   
Oliver, have you been drinking? Atticus tried his best to feign utter ignorance and astoundment. He momentarily considered retreating to the door again as someone lifted Oliver off his shoulder but then changed his mind and headed in the direction of what looked like the kitchen.   
  
He entered the spacious kitchen and saw three massive buckets filled with coolers, beer, and pop. That meant that somewhere within this party there was hard liquor. Otherwise Teal wouldn't have bothered buying pop - there was no alternative to alcohol at a party in her mind. Grabbing a Smirnoff Ice he proceeded to go find the bar. He used his shirt to get the cap off the bottle and took a long swig. The flavoured vodka poured down his throat, but it wasn't good enough.   
  
He needed it to burn.   
  
As he approached the newly-located bar he finished off the last off his Ice and placed the bottle on the mahogany counter. A senior, who was acting as bartender, was busing himself with two blonds behind the bar and Atticus decidedly took matters into his own hands by jumping over the billet. He grabbed a shot glass and filled it three times before taking a break.   
  
He hadn't eaten in over two days and the alcohol hit hard and fast on his empty stomach. He leaned on the sink for support while he caught his breath and his eyesight straightened out. He stood, and walked back around the bar. _That would be enough of that for now_, he thought.   
  
He still didn't want to be here, but he was trapped due to a scene that Oscar Graham was making near the main entrance. He decided to look for a library. People this rich always had one, and they barely ever used it which meant that all the books would be in excellent condition. Upon entering the library he realized two things, one, Tyler Hunter was already there - book in hand. And two, he wasn't nearly drunk enough.  
  
Her metallic eyes burned into his as she glared at him from across the room. She was sitting in a large armchair, her dark hair draped around her shoulders in stylish waves. A floor-length black skirt adorned the lower half of her body and she wore a dark red silk top that wrapped around her torso, leaving the majority of her arms exposed.   
  
She looked good- really good. And it bothered him. And there the two were. In the library; shooting daggers; silent.  
  
_\\watch your mouth  
  
some things are better left unsaid  
you let your pride stand tall  
  
why don't you say that to my face  
**if i told you this was killing me would you stop?**//_  
  
He was the first to move. It was when he realized that he was holding a half-empty bottle of whiskey that he was pulled out of his stupor and looked down. He lifted it to his lips and let it pour down his throat again.  
  
That stuff fucks up your liver. came from the other side of the room.   
He glared at her, Dying doesn't sound terrible right now.  
Aw, did something bad happen to you Dodger? she said with mock sympathy.  
He snorted, Like you would ever care Tyler.  
I did. she lifted her eyes to his, I used to.  
He held her gaze, And we all know whose fault that was. then he dropped it.   
It's just amazing that with all the women you've been exposed to you've still managed to become completely, and uncontrollably infatuated with one.  
He waited a few moments for her to look away. I never lied to you.  
She sighed, You say that, and you truly believe it, but we both know that you were never actually in love with _me_.  
He crossed the room to where she was sitting, You honestly believe that I didn't?  
How many girls have you slept with since the last time we talked? Atticus was silent. She sighed again, That's what I thought.  
You don't get it.  
No... I'm not the one lost in a fallacy.  
Her words stung him, and the combination of the liquor and her statements were making tears form in his eyes. I have to go.  
What else is new? she sounded exasperated, Go. Run. I'll get over it. I always do.  
He turned on his heel and made it to the door before he heard her utter the words he had never doubted she would, Run to her.  
  
|*|*|*|*|  
  
He reentered the party and saw Teal leaning seductively talking to a group of guys. She laughed and he started walking towards her. Half way there, Tobey interrupted his course of travel by stepping in front of him.  
  
Atticus had to catch his balance after stopping in order to keep himself from landing on the ground. _Of all the places to be unable to hold my liquor_, he thought. _Shit._ he could anticipate what his friend was going to say, and he didn't want to hear it.  
Dodge, what the hell are you doing here, and why the hell are you drinking that? he pointed to the bottle in his hand, We both know that you and Jack don't get along well.  
Atticus rolled his eyes.  
Where have you been anyway dude? You missed two days of school, and your mom said that you weren't in a talking' mood every time I called.  
Like she said, he stated, I haven't felt like talking. He looked at Teal again, and pushed passed Tobey, I've gotta go.  
  
He walked away quickly enough that Tobey didn't have time to ask any more questions. As he approached Teal her eyes caught his with amusement and the group that surrounded her quickly diminished.  
  
Dodger. How nice of you to join us at my humble establishment. she said, a smile playing on the corners of her lips.  
Where is she?  
Teal's eyes rolled and she pointed up the staircase. Before she could so much as wave him away he was half way up the flight, three pairs of eyes following him the entire way up.  
  
|*|*|*|*|  
  
He walked down the hallway slowly, trying to sense where she was. He came to a door that was left half-open and he wandered inside. He closed the door and locked it behind him. The room stood empty, but light emerged from beneath the bathroom door.   
  
Seconds later, as he stood in the center of the room, eyes fixed on the door, she emerged. Her blond hair was down, her eyes sparkled and when her gaze landed upon him she smiled. It wasn't an innocent smile, she knew why he was here.   
  
She took a few steps towards him, her heels making fateful clicks' as they grazed the hardwood floor. He was here for her, but she wouldn't give him the pleasure of being the seductive one. She ran her tongue over her bottom lip, and closing her eyes, took a deep breath.  
  
Before she had a chance to open her eyes, his arms were around her and his lips were upon hers. He backed up until the backs of his legs hit the edge of the bed. He sat back, and she landed on his lap. He searched her mouth with his tongue, getting a response of desire that matched his own.   
  
She pushed herself off of him and he stood up. Before she was even aware of it, she was half undressed and straddling his hips at the head of the king-sized bed. He unclasped her bra, and flipped her over so that he was facing her, from the top. Removing the last two articles the adorned her body, he gazed down at her. He used his tongue to taste the skin above her navel.   
  
He descended and found that she tasted sweet everywhere. It was addictive, he lifted himself back over her and found that she still had her eyes open. Although he could not read them, he knew her mind was anything but blank.   
  
He entered her; she was smooth, and although her skin was delicate, her persona was not. They built a rhythm, and both lost awareness of where they were, but not who they were with.   
  
  
_\\Like a bad star  
I'm falling faster down to her.   
**She's the only one who knows **  
**what it is to burn**//  
  
_  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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a/n 2: I'm sorry that i didn't continue with the jess/atticus wavelength, but i needed to go here first. this chapter is about his character. 


	11. chapter 11

**Title: **emotionless  
**Author: **kait.   
**Chapter: **11.   
  
**Disclaimer: **I own all the characters you don't recognize because they aren't on the show. Other than that i own the computer that i'm typing on, and the cd that's playing on it...but i don't own that band...or the song...or anything else for that matter. **  
  
Rating: **R.  
  
**Author's Notes: **I'm in Florida with my grandmother in a condo adorned with more floral patterns I ever thought possible - if you're questioning why I'm full of angst you shouldn't be reading this story.   
  
This chapter bouces a lot, by POV I mean, you should catch the drift though.   
  
Also, I stole a few lines from a Taking Back Sunday song. If you guess which song it is, and get it right, i'll give you a present. Doesn't that sound like fun?  
  
**Acknowledgments: **I LOVE YOU ALL! (some more than others. yes, you know who i'm talking about. =) ).   
**  
**Also, I extra-love **Chris**. She is amazing.   
**  
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**Dominique eloquently rolled off from her position on top of Atticus. He stayed lying on the bed for a few moments with his eyes closed before he too sat up. Before he even said a word her silk panties were up around her hips and she was holding her bra in her hands.   
  
He never felt compelled to say or do anything after sex. However, for some reason he had an intense craving for a cigarette. He opened his mouth; compelled to speak, although words didn't make it past his lips as she turned around to face him.   
  
The look of ecstacy that had heightened her expression in previous moments had evanesced. Instead it was replaced by the normal stoic expression that followed her around at Chilton. She picked her dress up off the floor and stepped into it.   
  
Whatever you're planning on saying you can forget it. She said with sharpness.  
He rolled his eyes at her façade, Oh come on. Just for one second stop playing games.  
She smiled, another devious smile. Oh Atticus, she stopped for dramatic effect, And you stop playing games in which you're too naive to know that I'll never stop. My guard will never come down. You will never win this war.  
And what? You think you're going to win?  
Behind the flat stomach, 3-inch stilettos, and $250 dresses I wear on an daily basis, I'm way stronger then you could ever handle. I'm manipulative, intelligent and completely hard. She sat down in a large chair that was placed in the corner of the room.  
You can't tell me that something didn't just happen there. he waved his hand towards the bed.  
She looked at him and dead-panned, It was just sex Atticus. You really just need to accept that.   
He knew better, however, than to believe her. Behind her perfectly applied mascara, beneath the hardened exterior, deep down he knew that there was something worth reaching. He just wasn't sure how to get to it. I know you felt it. You had to have felt it.  
A smirk played upon her lips, I definitely felt _something_.  
Well, I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, but I can openly tell you that that was the best sex I've ever had.  
Well, jeez Atticus, You've never quite left yourself this defenseless before. Was it something I did?  
You know what you did. Their eyes had locked and neither dared to look away.  
She pretended to be oblivious, sounding rather bored instead, And what ever could that have been?  
Your eyes were open. You were watching me.  
She had to make a valient effort to keep from shutting her eyes forever, finally she reopened them, and stated tactfully, You caught me.  
Excuse me? He was bewildered by her comment, there was no way she would ever let her guard down and give in. Not that easily.   
You're good with your tongue, I couldn't resist. Besides, how could I not watch you of all people going down on me. Such a inferior gesture, I felt special. I just had to watch.  
He shook his head, It was more than that.  
Stop acting so damn vulnerable. You're making me wonder why I slept with you in the first place. I didn't know we were going to have to have pillow-talk afterwards.  
You once told me - on that night that we were together - that you never kept your eyes open because if you closed them you could pretend that what was happening wasn't truly happening. You didn't want to do those things to yourself, but you did. You hate yourself and you punish yourself by being with people even when you don't want to be.   
And what? Because of one stupid night you think you know me? God, I must have been drinking a lot to have said all of that.  
Merlot, actually. Half of a bottle.  
Not bad for me. I usually try to stay away from anything harder - ruins the skin you know.  
Oh yes, and what would the queen of Chilton be without flawless skin?  
She laughed, impersonally and stood. Well, I hate to do this but -  
  
She was slipping again and he would never get her back if he didn't say something drastic. We work together and you don't want to admit it.   
  
For a fraction of a second her face softened and he thought her walls were going to come down, but once the instance was over she was back to normal and her words echoed throughout the acheronian room. I can find a guy just as experienced as you anywhere in Hartford. A guy with just as much anger, frustration, angst. You aren't special Atticus. Just because daddy left you and I don't need to fake an orgasm doesn't mean that guys like you aren't a dime a dozen. she paused to shake out her hair. She frowned Don't let this go to your head. she turned on her heel and walked towards the door, unlocking it and then turning the knob.   
  
He stayed silent. She waited for his final commentary but it did not come. So instead she just exited the room, somewhat disappointed. But then again, Atticus Mariano was the only guy who had ever surprised her.  
  
  
******************************************************************  
  
After exiting the room, Dominique headed back down the hall and turned a corner, looking for a room where she could be alone.   
  
The thing about her, was that she was fragile and delicate. But she could never let anyone know that. She carried around an agressive, hardened exterior so that people wouldn't believe it if she told them. She was sarcastic, witty and intelligent enough that people never questioned who she was. They all just had a vision of her - cold and often heartless - and they believed that. Because people liked to be told what to think.   
  
The only real problem she'd ever had was with the ones who were intelligent enough to not just believe what they were told, but to dig and try to find out what the actual truth was. Those people pissed her off. Sometimes they were trying to help, others were trying to bring her down for their own personal gain.   
  
She sighed as she entered one of the house's more secluded bathroom's. She wasn't even sure if Teal knew about it. However, she had stumbled upon it one day a few years ago and from then on she had made at least a visit per party. She didn't ever stop in when she was alone visiting her dear friend. Even more than not caring whether Teal knew about it, she did not want her to know Dominique knew about it.   
  
The door was locked behind her and she took a seat on the counter, staring at herself.  
  
Sometimes, she hated lying to people. Especially people she loved, whom were few and far between.  
  
Atticus Mariano. The name struck a chord within her every time it passed through her brain. He was an enigma to everyone but her. She could see right through him - he let her, and she never understood why she was the special one.   
  
Why she was the lucky one. The one who he opened up to and yelled at, and lusted over. He'd had sex with a lot of people, but she knew that he never cared for any of the others.   
  
Maybe that was why she was always so goddam impelled to tell him things that were never supposed to come out of her mouth. Why she was more open in front of him than anyone she had ever met since she was six and first learned about deception. She learned well and she learned fast.   
  
When she was with him...she wanted to come out from behind her mask. She wanted to let him break down the wall she'd built around herself. She wanted to let him know how she really felt. How she was broken; unfixable. She wanted to tell him that she'd been lying to herself all this time. Denying what was really there.   
  
But doing all of that; letting herself become like all the rest...it wouldn't just change her. It would kill her. She would no longer be Dominique DuGrey, daughter of the business tycoon, sister of the up-and-coming man of the century, rock-hard and vicious queen of the school. Letting him in would change all of that. And she sure as hell hated change.   
  
Her time of evolution had not yet arrived. It would, however, be coming soon. Sometime around early August. She had already planned it all. The point where she would all but shed the skin of her old life, set out on her way to whatever Ivy League daddy had decided on, and then with a pocketful of cash she would start her new life. She would become a new person.   
  
And it wouldn't be a nice person, it would be someone who was able to be herself. Jaded and angsty, how she wished she could just let loose and try it. Actually let someone know that she had a serious problem.  
  
No one knew that sex wasn't her only vice. She had a few. Some were worse than others, but hey, she had to keep her figure somehow. It was amazing what and where lacking parental supervision and a bank account full of money could get you.   
  
  
******************************************************************  
  
Sometimes she pissed the hell out of him. She was rich, she was beautiful and she loved ripping his heart out. If it weren't for the fact that he was so blindsided by lust every time he saw her, he would hate her.   
  
He already did. He hated her for what she did to him- he hated himself for that.   
  
Rory would be pleased to know. She was floored when she'd found out that Dominique was Tristan's sister, and that her son went to school with her. All hell would break loose if she knew that he just spent half an hour _fucking_ her at some party, however. Rory and Tristan had a history, that was for sure. Although, it wasn't intense or ardent, just simple and finished. Like an average New York Times bestseller after it's done - it's finished and complete, and occasionally you'll reflect on it, but it was bittersweet to read and not a completely pleasent experience.   
  
Although a book had never driven Rory to get completely blitzed at a dinner before, so comparing Tristan and Rory's relationship to a novel wasn't completely accurate, but at the moment Atticus was too preoccupied with post-sex speculation to think of a better semblance.  
  
He enjoyed comparing things to books. He could compare himself to a book, but he hadn't yet come across the right one. Or perhaps he had, he just didn't want to admit it.   
  
His father and mother however, he had a book for them. It was called the unfinished work of every bitter author ever. A mixture of Salinger, and Rand and Hemmingway and all the rest of the brilliant artists he had come to admire so damn much for their true and when not over-indulgent view of the human race. And the first half was shaped and worked and when it was just about to turn into a WB dramady the second half of the book was ripped away, never to be completed. It wasn't even supposed to have blank pages, it was just supposed to end.   
  
That was of course until Atticus had gotten in over his head and completely fucked it up. He wasn't supposed to come back. That's what had gotten to him.   
  
He wasn't supposed to come back. The more times he repeated it the less it made sense.   
  
Then it became as clear as cellophane. Or some of Teal's imported glacier water. If it happened to Atticus, he would be back. It would pull him back.  
  
And Atticus was his father.   
  
  
******************************************************************  
  
Her name was Tyler Hunter. Her life had been easy, the whole way through. Good grades, wealthy family, unlike most Chilton attendees her parents were still living together -and were happily married. Her father had managed to stay away from living the lie of being an adulterer, and her mother, well, they'd never had a pool boy.   
  
She wasn't an only child. Her life was untypical in the typical Chilton way, but model from the point of view of everyone else. A nuclear family was what she had, (she was the .5 of the 2.5 children) and people at her school absolutely detested her for it.   
  
Which was why since the ninth grade she had been all but completely outcasted, not that she cared any. Her mother couldn't decipher why it didn't phase her but the answer was simple - it didn't matter because she had the power. Although Dominique had power over the one thing she ever had really cared about, she could still handle the conniving twit. She was more see-thru than she thought.   
  
And apparently Tyler was the only one who could see it, but that was okay. She liked it that way. It made her smile as she made her way through the senior hall when people bumped into her.   
  
The best part was that Dominique knew she was getting closer to having her completely figured out and it scared her shitless. Unfortunately, Tyler was scared too. Having an understanding of the one person Tyler detested most might make it impossible for Tyler to hate her.   
  
And she wasn't sure she liked that. 


	12. chapter 12

**Title: **emotionless  
**Author: **kait.   
**Chapter: **11.   
  
**Disclaimer: **I own all the characters you don't recognize because they aren't on the show. Other than that i own the computer that i'm typing on, and the cd that's playing on it...but i don't own that band...or the song...or anything else for that matter. **  
  
Rating: **R.  
  
**Author's Notes:** Be patient, little ones. =)  
  
************************************************************************************************************************************  
  
Somehow - and he wasn't sure he wanted to know how - Atticus woke up in his own bed. His head, well, pounded was not a strong enough word.  
He groaned and wiped sleep out of his eyes. He saw a glass of water sitting on his night table however upon reaching for it his lack of coordination caused him to fall out of bed.   
  
He suddenly realized that his late night activities with Dominique had given him a sore back, but he wasn't complaining about having her on top. He wasn't complaining about having her in the first place.   
  
He groaned again and rolled onto his back, he then became acutely aware that someone who had been knocking on the door had taken the noise as an entrance plea. Yet, the person standing over him was not one he expected it to be, so upon viewing them he was caused to question their presence.  
  
he furrowed his brow, maybe he was still drunk.  
Hey dude. he smiled, I figured you'd need some company after last night.  
You probably figured right but I haven't exactly had enough awake time to figure out my emotional state of mind.  
Tobey laughed, Fair call. Look, I'm going to let you get all fancied up, because I know how you love to impress these Stars Hollow chicks, and I'll meet you in the kitchen.  
The kitchen? How do you suddenly know my kitchen? You've been to this apartment twice.  
I know. You're mom has made me feel at home. he winked.  
He deadpanned. Don't hit on my mom.  
What? She's single. Tobey laughed and exited the room.  
Atticus rolled his eyes, Maybe not for long. he said quietly. Wait, was he actually being foolish enough to believe that his life was going to turn into an ABC weekend special? That his dad showing up would suddenly fix all of life's problems and he would forthwith have a family?  
  
Like that was happening, he wasn't an Olsen Twin.  
  
  
******************************************************************  
  
Fifteen minutes later Atticus walked into his kitchen to face his best friend and his mother.   
  
She smiled a little, Hey Dodge. How's it going?  
  
Tobey shoved in his comment with a smile, Head hurt?  
  
Ha ha. Atticus pushed his friend on the shoulder,   
  
Rory's nose twitched, Drinking, again?  
  
Atticus bit his lip and Tobey repressed a smile,   
  
She smiled. Thanks.  
  
For what? Atticus looked puzzled  
  
For not lying.  
  
How'd you know?  
  
Tobey couldn't repress the smile any longer.  
  
What are you smiling about? Normally Atticus didn't care if he was in the dark, but this time it was really getting to him.  
  
I slept on the couch last night dude.   
  
Atticus looked confused.  
  
How did you think you got home? his eyes looked curious  
  
Suddenly it dawned on Atticus and he grabbed his friend and pulled him into the living room. When did I pass out?  
  
You didn't. That's probably the only reason people still think you're cool. You were so bombed.  
  
Okay, so the last thing I remember is getting in a fight with Dominique, what happened after that?  
  
Tobey cringed, You don't remember?  
  
No. Would I be asking if I did? his voice was a hoarse whisper, he was desperate.  
  
Well, Tyler-  
  
Atticus ran a hand through his hair, then pulled on it. What the fuck did I do to her this time?  
  
  
  
Atticus' eyes widened,   
  
What is improper. Use excuse me?'   
  
No time for grammar now, punk. Tell me.  
  
Oh come on Mr. Corporate Writer you love the grammar.  
  
Shut up! Atticus and Tobey were both now laughing. Tell me  
  
Tobey stopped laughing, How's your head feel?  
  
Same as it always does when I've got a hangover. Why?  
  
Nothing extra in there?  
  
My jaw feels a little sore, but other than that? Nope, nothing.  
  
She punched you.  
  
he looked exasperated.  
  
  
  
Shit. ...why?  
  
Everyone knew, well, everyone knew once Teal pointed it out that you were with Dominique upstairs.  
  
Yes, and?  
  
And...Tyler watched you go upstairs and heard you ask where she was.  
  
Yeah, but she already knew that's where I was going. Why did she wait until after I was gone to get mad?  
  
She didn't. She waited until you came back.  
  
Did I tell her what I did upstairs?  
  
That one I don't know the answer to. You guys were fighting, after a while you got louder, people stopped to listen. You guys were both screaming but most people didn't know what you were talking about. Tobey gave him an apprehensive look. You were very out of it, and being much more verbose than usual. Then she tried to walk away and you put your hand on her shoulder. She turned around and punched you in the jaw. The end.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Rory came into the living room after a few minutes. You guys done talking yet?  
  
was all Atticus managed to say.  
  
So I guess we should get going? she looked at her son with a saddened expression.  
  
This time Tobey spoke up, Yeah, let's get going.  
  
  
The three grabbed their jackets off the rack by the door and exited, leaving behind an empty apartment. They proceeded down the stairs of the building and then out onto one of the active streets of Stars Hollow. Tobey looked around affectionately, he had always had a soft spot for the insanity of the small town.   
  
Atticus however, had a look of torment on his face. He despised the town, and they despised him. And he wasn't complaining.   
  
Tobey watched every girl that walked by ogle his best friend, and Rory watched every girl that walked by ogle both boys. Back in the day when she'd been a teenager - oh god, she was getting old.   
  
After the brisk walk they arrived at their destination. It wasn't quite the Crap Shack, but to Rory it was still home. She opened the door when she heard screaming and looked around the room avidly, looking for the cause of the noise.   
  
Atticus and Tobey ventured into the room and both broke into a smile when they saw Hudson chasing after Kennedy, who had stolen his cd player.  
  
God they're twins. Tobey said laughing.  
Rory laughed, There was never a doubt in my mind. Hey guys!  
  
The announcement caused both of Rory's siblings to look up at the three adults that had just entered the house. Hudson took this opportunity to steal back his CD player and roll his eyes at his sister who suddenly blushed at the site of Tobey.   
  
What's in there anyways? Atticus inquired.  
Kennedy pouted, He wont tell me.  
Rory furrowed her brow. Did you ask?  
Kennedy looked around,   
  
The three simply laughed and came further into the house.   
  
So what brings you by anyways? Hudson asked, adjusting his earphones around his neck.  
Atticus said taking a seat on the couch, I was told that my presence was necessary and since Tobey was in town I thought that I would oblige him with a trip over here. You know how he's grown attached to you guys.  
Kennedy giggled - a rare thing to hear come from her mouth, unless of course Tobey was in the vicinity.   
  
What can I say? Tobey shrugged, It's the truth.  
  
Rory nodded and looked around the room. Where's mom?  
Kennedy looked puzzled She said that her and dad were going to the Quik-e-mart and would be back with Chutney squishee's in ten. I'll never understand her pop-culture references.  
  
Tobey and Rory both laughed, obviously the only ones who understood what they were talking about.   
  
Kennedy grabbed onto Tobey's arm and pulled him down the hall into her room, muttering about showing him some record she had just come across. Meanwhile Atticus attempted to carry on a conversation with Hudson, whose appearance made him look like he'd fit in just fine with Paris Gellar.  
  
Rory looked around the spacious room and fortunately didn't have to wait long before Lorelai and Luke arrived back. With the two boys being occupied by the twins, she followed them into the kitchen.  
  
Rory walked in and faced Luke and Lorelai. What's the update? She hadn't been sure earlier that Luke was aware that he was back, but from the expression he was carrying, she was positive he did.   
  
He's still around. He asked for you to come see him again.  
  
Rory sighed and leaned up against a counter. I really hate this you know.  
  
That's not surprising. Lorelai said sympathetically.  
  
Not just that he's back. I hate the entire fact that he ever left.  
  
Luke and Lorelai exchanged glances and just nodded.  
  
I should go see him.  
  
Luke spoke up this time, You don't have to if you don't want to Rory. No one is forcing you to recreate ties to him. Atticus is 18 now, he can choose whether or not he wants to keep in contact, but you, you don't have to.  
  
I loved him Luke. her eyes were pleading for...anything. How can I not at least see what he has to say?  
  
They both looked at her empathetically. Then you know what you have to do kid. Lorelai smiled and reached over for a hug. Good luck.  
  
Rory stood, wiped beneath her eyes and headed for the exit.   
  
******************************************************************  
  
  
Great. This was exactly what Dominique needed on a day like this. Here she was trying to relax on a Saturday afternoon and then Tyler had to show up. She really wasn't in the mood for a cat fight, she'd just gotten her hair done. She closed her eyes and braced herself for the confrontation, a sanguine smile settled upon not only her lips, but all of her features.   
  
Tyler stated as a greeting.   
  
Tyler, fancy seeing you here. I didn't think girls like you came to the salon often. she shrugged her shoulders and feigned unacquaintance.  
  
She looked at her with mock confusion, And I didn't know that girls like you thought. she smiled.   
  
Dominique rolled her eyes. Did you have an enjoyable time being an anchorite last night?  
  
Well, you know as well as I do how banausic those parties are.  
  
True. Although I heard you created quite a scene with Atticus.  
  
He hates it when people call him that.  
  
Not when it's me. She stared Tyler down, demanding dominance. Nowhere in her eyes did it show the fear she felt inside. The two stood staring for moments, So now you hit guys?  
  
You checking up on me or something Dom?  
  
It isn't exactly out of public knowledge. Nearly everyone that attends Chilton was there. she eyed Tyler, Even the less important people.  
  
This is becoming stale.  
  
So is your attitude. I see right through it Tyler. Everyone does. We know that you care-  
  
Tyler cut her off. She was sick of waiting; listening; all the while knowing. I see through you too Dom. I see right down to your soul. I know that you're in love and you're too damn scared to admit it. I know everything. Grant it, she didn't know everything, but she was getting close.   
  
Dominique retracted. You know shit.  
  
I know Dodger. And I know what you two were doing last night. And I know that normally, you wouldn't spend close to an hour mentally prepping yourself before returning to a party after fucking some guy you cared nothing about. Tyler pushed passed Dominique into the studio behind her.   
  
Leaving Dominique to walk off, stunned, trying to hide the tears that were frozen behind her eyes. No one would ever see her cry, she knew that much. She wasn't even sure if crying was an ability she had.   
  
|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|  
  
  
to be continued...


	13. chapter 13

**Title: **emotionless  
**Author: **kait.   
**Chapter: **13.   
  
**Disclaimer: **I own all the characters you don't recognize because they aren't on the show. Other than that i own the computer that i'm typing on, and the cd that's playing on it...but i don't own that band...or the song...or anything else for that matter. **  
  
Rating: **R.  
  
**Author's Notes:**   
Go read Cry of Emotion. Now. It's posted under the lovely Chris, and it's co-written by the lovely me.   
  
Also, sorry this chapter took so damn long to get out. **It's the last chapter**, so enjoy. Reviews would be appreciated.  
  
Lastly,I would like to dedicate this story to two people. Firstly, **Chris** - She is my inspiration, my friend and my god. I love her. Secondly, to **Kat**, because she is also amazing and a great friend. I love both of you, and I couldn't have created and continued this fic without you guys.  
  
Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed. Your words mean the world to me.   
  
  
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You must admit it. You've got a post-sex glow to you. Oliver commented.  
You're delusional. Answered Dominique.  
  
The Chilton three were seated in Teal's library, two of them sipping mimosa, the other nursing herself awake by means of Irish coffee. While Oliver sat prominently in a high-back chair, and Teal made her best attempt at not spilling anything on the satin-covered lounger. Dominique sat in the bay window, overlooking Teal's backyard, and answered only when necessary.  
  
Did you fuck Dodger Mariano or what? Teal asked   
  
Dominique rolled her eyes. "You're both bothering me. You." she glared at Teal, "Stop being petulant."  
  
Teal sat up. "And what? Be you?" She flipped her hair. "Bittersweet and evocative Dominique."  
  
"I think the word you're looking for, is bitch." Oliver added before settling back into his FHM.  
  
Dominique yawned and looked back out the window. "The two of you bore me much too often."  
  
Teal rolled her eyes, Fine. We'll change the subject to something _other_ than last night. What about... she pondered it for a second. Nope, I can think of nothing more interesting than Dodger. You've heard about his father?  
  
Oliver sighed. What the hell is so great about this guy anyway? So he's mysterious, ignores most Chilton girls and was left by his daddy. I don't get why you all drool over him.  
  
And because for Teal everything was one-dimensional, He's hot, what more is there to get?  
  
Dominique continued sitting, looking out the large window. It was funny she never shared her actual thoughts with her two best friends. She never shared her thoughts with anyone. She dug as deep inside of her self as she could, and buried them. Somewhere underneath the grade eleven Physics formulas that she would never need again and beside the random facts of distance from when she was little and she would study maps. She always wanted to get away. To run.   
  
Oliver was bewildered, There's got to be more to it then that? Is it the bad thing? Because I can be bad.  
  
Teal snorted, Oliver you couldn't be anything more than try to be bad if your father's bank account depended on it.  
  
What were you saying about his father Teal? Dominique's voice never faltered, even though she was worried to learn that his problems from last night had little to do with her.  
  
I'm trying to remember who, told me... her eyes lit up, Ah yes, it was one of the help that only works part-time. She also works over at the Gilmore residence.  
  
Oliver nodded approvingly,   
  
And she said that she heard Richard and Emily talking apparently his father has returned. she raised her eyebrows at Dominique, Quite interesting, don't you think Dominique?  
  
She looked over her shoulder, I'm sorry, were you speaking?  
  
If you paid too much attention, you would be seen as weak. If you paid attention at all, you would be mediocre. If you were a selfish, heartless bitch, people would bow down to you. She supposed life was just like that.  
  
******************************************************************  
  
  
Atticus spent a great deal of his life thinking about his father. He used a great deal of energy to convince others that there was nothing missing from his life. Trying to convince himself that there was nothing missing.   
  
The truth was anyone with half a brain could hear his story and know it was bullshit. Any quack with a diploma could take one look at his behavioral patterns and know that it was a plead for fulfillment. But it was just a temporary one. A short release, that would tide him over for a few hours.   
  
Lately though, the tiding over period had been shortened dramatically. To the point where it did nothing. Perhaps it was just the fact that his latest roll in the hay was one of the only two girls he'd ever cared for.   
  
He finally got what he wanted, but it wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want her to go back to the way she was before.   
  
And it all had to do with Jess. In the end that was all it came down to. His father. The stupid bastard that had left him. He could deal with that. The fact that he came back meant that his father couldn't be as bad as previously thought. Which sucked. It really, truly sucked. Because he was finally moving on with his life. He had finally detached himself from the hate, the resentment, the pain and the fear. And then he had to go through it all again. He had to back and revisit it all.  
  
The amount of traumatizing events that occur in the life of an average teenager is ridiculous. The amount of shit that people he knew had to go through during their years of teenage hood was unfathomable. No one was normal. Not one person he knew had the perfect' life. He supposed life was just like that. But still, everyone had their vice. Everyone had their weakness, their sore-point. Except for Tyler. Tyler had stability.   
  
She embodied everything that Atticus had ever pretended not to want. And she wanted him back. It was more than difficult to think about. He couldn't open up to her though. He couldn't tell her the things he had gone through because he could not taint her perfect world with the flaws of his own. The ugly, nasty scars that marked his self. His soul, if he still possessed such a thing.   
  
She didn't deserve that. She didn't need to be shown a life that she should never worry about. Hers was perfect in the way that Rory's was not. Because Tyler, unlike the woman who gave birth to him, was not naive. She knew what she wanted, and she knew what reality was like.   
  
But for some reason they could never make it work. And perhaps that should have been his first clue to give up and move on. But like Dominique she infected his brain.   
  
Maybe Tyler was right, maybe it wasn't love. Maybe it was just some psychological disorder he suffered from. He was drawn to girls who were bad for him. He hated psychology. He hated the people that walked around with diplomas cursing others for their flaws, never once realizing that they don't look themselves in the eyes when they stare into the mirror.  
  
Sitting up in bed, he came to a realization. He stood up and walked outside, on a mission. He needed to know, no matter the price.  
  
He was sick of questioning himself. He was sick of pretending not to care. He was sick of his life. He was going to find Tyler to ask her what the hell he said to her.  
  
Fortunately enough, before he had even moved 100 meters from his apartment he saw her standing in the gazebo that was in the center of town. He mumbled a curse, wondering what she was doing there, and then noticed the look of distress on her face.  
  
He climbed out of the Jeep and made his way over to her.   
  
he jogged up What are you doing here?  
She glared, What's it to you? She was acting like a child, but it was okay, because she was well aware of it.   
Well I was going to go see you and then you were here. You aren't here looking for me are you?  
She snorted, In your dreams Dodger. No I happen to be here for a more family oriented purpose. she rolled her eyes. My parents are once again living up to the Rockwell tradition of perfection.  
What's that supposed to mean?  
What do you think it means? It means that they don't think Hartford is the right place for them to retire when they are ready to, so they're looking for a more...eccentric place to live. she scowled, I think they found it.  
He swallowed, You're moving to Stars Hollow?  
Looks like it. Hey, we can carpool! she added sarcastically.  
At least someone that lives here will have a mild grip on reality. he said lowering his voice. He eyed her carefully.  
Yes, I'm still mad at you.  
He let out a sigh.  
You should know why. If you were too drunk to remember that's your own fault. she looked over his shoulder, I should get going. See you tomorrow.  
Bye Tyler.   
  
As she walked away she looked over her shoulder once, her face carried a hint of regret, but she turned away too quickly for him to be sure whether it actually existed. Maybe it was another game his mind was playing with him.  
  
The entire world was against him, it would just make sense if his mind joined along with them.  
  
******************************************************************  
  
How Jess managed to piss her off so easily confused Rory. No one got on that side of her that quickly. Although it was understandable that if anyone would, it would be him. He had always been the volatility in her life. She missed that. She had tried to replace it, but he was a person, he couldn't be replaced. As much as she hated to admit it.  
  
Two weeks ago he was nothing but a faded memory of her past. A character that played for two years before leaving the show. He was gone with the Harvard paraphernalia that she ripped off the wall when she found out she was pregnant. But now he was sitting in front of her, and she was trying to keep control of her emotions. Trying not to get angry, or sad, or feel anything towards him at all. Because all she really wanted was for him to be dead to her. But it would never happen, because as much as she tried to deny it, she still loved him.   
  
Jess looked at her questioningly.  
No, he hasn't mentioned you. He didn't leave his room for two and half days, so am I to anticipate that you sought him out?  
his eyes carried a seriousness that she still wasn't used to, I ran into him at Doose's, it wasn't planned.  
He was pretty shaken.   
You said he didn't mention it. Jess looked at her pensively.  
He spent 52 straight hours in his room and then when he did go out he got completely drunk, passed out and had to have his best friend bring him home. That isn't exactly well-adjusted behaviour. Or perhaps that's what being a teenager was like for you.  
  
No. One day you'll find out what being a teenager was like for me. It wasn't ornamented with flowers and scented candles, I'll tell you that much right now.  
  
Shut up.  
Why? Because I'm not allowed to feel bad for myself Rory? I've mad some bad, bad choices in my life. But I don't regret them all. In fact, I don't think I regret any of them. But maybe if I hadn't made some of them, I'd be dead right now.  
You aren't the only person who has been screwed over in this life Jess. Do you really think it was easy raising a child when I was eighteen and trying to go to college? Do you think it was easy for me to move him to the worst part of New York City? Knowing full and well that he was doing things I didn't even know existed when I was that age, but not being able to do a thing about it? How do you think that was?  
  
I'm sure it was extremely difficult. he said sympathetically.  
It was. she said, taking in the fact that he was being kind. I understand why you left.  
I hoped you would. I never wanted you to forgive me - I don't deserve that much - I just wanted you to understand why I did it.  
And I do. I... she paused and smiled, You missed some of the best parts of life. When being a parent is just the sweet, and there's no bitter in the air. The moments when you aren't screaming at each other about drug problems and staying out all night. When he was five, Luke tried to teach him how to play soft ball, only he would always miss. So he set up a T-ball stand and tried to teach him how to swing. her smile widened, He hit Luke in the crotch 3 times before he gave up. Now Jess was smiling too, happy to be let in on a memory, even just a small one, It's a good thing mom was pregnant already, I'm not sure it would have happened after that incident. She noticed the smile that had just been there was suddenly erased. Is something wrong?  
  
Lorelai and Luke? Kid? Luke has a kid?  
Two actually. she cleared her throat, They're twins. A boy and a girl - Hudson and Kennedy. They're thirteen, and quite a handful.   
Wow, I never thought he would actually have kids. he stared at the opposite wall for a moment before continuing. I'm glad him and Lorelai finally figured it out. That was meant to be. his gaze fell onto Rory.  
  
Some things just are. she smiled somewhat awkwardly, And some things aren't.  
And you don't think you can change that?  
Yes. It all has to do with the choices you make...the leaps of faith. Even the stupid mistakes that turn out wrong can sometimes...be right. The room seemed to have increased in temperature, because Rory was fighting the urge to fan herself and a blush was creeping onto her cheeks.  
I never stopped loving you.  
That was random.  
Thank you.  
You're making me uncomfortable Jess. You can't just show up and expect everything to fall back into place where you left it. she was getting angry just from listening to her own assumptions. It isn't fair to the people who have spent too long trying to forget the past.  
Would that be you?  
If it was?  
Then I'd tell you that no matter how hard you try to forget the past it doesn't change the fact that it happened. What you felt back then was real. he turned her head towards him, What you feel now is real.  
What? Hate? she wouldn't allow herself to fall back into him, she would be left hurt and alone, just like the last time. She needed to actually learn from her mother's mistakes this time.  
I'm not leaving. You have my word, and this time, it actually means something. Don't be afraid of yourself Rory.  
She stood and walked towards the exit of the room. Her hand touched the knob and her forehead crashed into the door. I'm not afraid of myself, she said meekly, beneath her breath. She got more courage, I'm afraid of you, moreover, she looked back at him, I'm afraid of loving you again.  
  
He stood and walked over to her, placing a hand behind her neck. Don't be, I'm not going anywhere. He leaned in and kissed a paled cheek.   
  
She looked up, into his eyes, hoping to god she wouldn't make the same mistake twice. Neither am I.  
  
Before the puzzlement could reach his face, she was kissing him. It was a needy, edacious kiss and it all but knocked him off his feet. Instead he simply backed up in the direction she was pushing - towards his bed - and prayed to god that everything would turn out okay.


	14. cavanaugh park

**Title: **Cavanaugh Park  
**Author:   
  
Disclaimer: **Don't own it, probably never will. The song is _Cavanaugh Park' _by Something Corporate.  
  
**Rating: **R  
  
**Summary: **The interlude...step into the past and see the reasons behind why Jess ran. This is the one-chapter prequel.   
  
**Author's Notes: **Huh. Well, here goes nothing. I figured a nice explanation on what Jess was like before Stars Hollow was in order, so here it is. I have no clue what NYC is actually like, so it might be wrong, but my whole fic is based on wrong, so it doesn't really matter does it?  
  
Lyrics are in _italics._  
  
To everyone who has ever left me a review - I love you. Except for that one flame, because it was just a little too naive for my taste.   
  
************************************************************************************************************************************  
  
_At Cavanaugh Park   
Where I used to sit   
All alone in the dark   
And dream about things   
That I cannot say __  
  
_Life isn't easy. If there was one thing that Jess Mariano had learned in the first seventeen years of his existence - it was that. For some reason, since he had been a child, he had found that escaping reality was the only way to exist in it. Take a break, absorb yourself in something else, and then move back into the real world.  
  
And that was how he dealt with it. But then there was the harsher parts of reality that not even endless hours of solace could comfort him through. Fist fights, the aftermath of the substances he quite frequently abused, the cops.  
  
Then worst of all things was his mother.   
  
It wasn't the fact that she ignored him most of the time that was the problem. It was when she chose to pay attention. She had perfect timing, as if she could sense when he was vulnerable and she would strike. Her words sinking into his already festering wounds, stinging and scarring him.   
  
  
_At Cavanaugh Park   
Where you used to take me   
To play in the sand   
And said to me, "Son, one day you'll be a man.   
"And men can do terrible things."   
Yes they can   
_  
She had never believed in him. Not once in his entire life had his mother expressed her appreciation for anything he did. Or even his existence, and perhaps that was worst of all. Because if there is one terrible feeling in the world, it is knowing that the person who brought you into it could care less about that fact.   
  
Life wasn't easy. Not in New York City, not anywhere. But for some reason where he lived, people liked to turn life from something difficult into something impossible. Some people didn't make it out alive. And he hated it there, he hated his friends, and everything about his life, but it wasn't that easy to escape.   
  
Living in New York City as a teenager was like living in a Black Hole, only instead of having such great pressure that it would crush you on arrival, it had forms of painful existence. Such that you often wanted to be dead, only you weren't allowed to leave. People rarely seemed to escape from the pull that it had.   
  
And they would all lie and say that shooting heroin and failing out of high school was what they all wanted from life, and that stealing from 7-elevens and working on the street doing whatever they could to make money was really the best they could ever hope for.  
  
But they all had hope. Unfortunately, there was no room for hope there. _  
  
And there was never any place   
For someone like me to be   
Totally happy   
  
_Happiness. There was no such thing as happiness. Love was bullshit, A lie, or a way to get money. But all of it - emotions in general - were inexistent. Everyone thrived on the negatives, hate, adrenaline, lust, bitterness.   
  
Nothing else existed because they weren't brought up to believe that they could ever achieve any better. People never arrived, they just melded. And when people left it went as unnoticed as when it worked the other way. As if life had never subsisted any differently.  
  
A tormented ring of blocks. Where everyone knew of everyone, but knew nothing about them. They knew who sold the best pot, but didn't know what their closest best friend's last name was.   
  
People died, he knew that. The first time he watched someone get stabbed he went home and tried to get comfort from his mother, who slammed a door in his face. She wasn't much of a mother, but he wasn't much of a son, so who could blame her?  
  
Life was learned the same way as a Driver's Ed. program- you learned to do it defensively. You would never let yourself become enveloped by anything more powerful than you could control. The control was pinnacle, because if things were out of your control then you couldn't be held responsible. Which was good, but at the same time you could also be caught being yourself, and that wasn't allowed in the society they had created.   
  
Life was constructed of masks and lies and barriers.   
  
Jess was sheltered. His heart was blocked and his mind was open. Open to the harsh, burning reality of the world. In all it's glory. But what was glory, really?  
  
***  
  
  
Jess rolled over, onto his stomach trying to ignore the person shaking his shoulder.  
Jess! Get the fuck up! We've got issues to deal with today.  
Fuck Nathan. What the hell? His dark brown hair was unruly and unkempt framing his face after a night of being slept on.   
Like I said, he motioned towards the closed door across the room, We've got issues to deal with. He mouthed Let's go' and Jess climbed out of bed.   
  
He walked the short way across his room to his dresser and threw a t-shirt over his head. He bent down, picked the worn pair of jeans off the floor and pulled them over his boxers. In an instant he had picked up his wallet, and he and Nathan were out the window, and half way down the fire escape.   
  
Heading towards the apartment where his three best friends lived by themselves, Jess started inquiring about what exactly the issues' they needed to deal with were. Apparently, Toner had lost his mind and decided to go on a drug run for Jax Dimont and Kyle Lanley and it hadn't gone over well.   
  
This was why Jess tried to avoid shit like this. Now one of his best friends was camped out in his tiny basement apartment waiting for two of the biggest jerks in town to find him and beat him an inch from death. It may have been exciting, but it wasn't the kind of exciting he was looking forward to.   
  
***  
  
Problems seemed as though they were unavoidable in this city of concrete and people in a hurry. There was hardly even time to step back and take a breath before you had something else to deal with.   
  
The kind of people who lived in New York City were either there to disappear, stand out, or because they had no other choice. And the city would eat away at you, no matter who you were. Because it was a part of everyone, and everyone was a part of it.  
  
That city was like a lust-driven teenage boy, eager to mark his girlfriend. Make her nothing but his own. That was what New York was about, at least, the part he came from. The portion of New York City where he lived...it wasn't the place you would want your children growing up.   
  
The damage that could be done in the pinnacle years could leave you internally wounded. Jess had been irreparably scarred. He somehow forgot how to love, or perhaps, he had never learned to in the first place.   
  
A mind wounded and a heart closed. It didn't matter how you felt inside, as long as you won the game of life in the end. But the thing was, you were never given a chance to win. You started the game without all the pieces - because you were missing hope and you were missing love. And without those two things it was hard to try to feel anything.   
  
You would live silent; void; emotionless.   
  
It was hard to imagine anyone ever being able to trust, to love, after living there.   
  
***  
  
You have to get the fuck out of here! Nathan was now screaming at a frantic Toner who was pacing back and forth and staring at the place where his best friend lay. Antony was lying on his back covered in the blood that was oozing out of the knife would in his leg, completely motionless.   
  
We're leaving okay? Toner said, We just need to...to, somehow get the blood to stop and then we can go somewhere and chill before anyone can find us and then...then... he was out of breath and sat down on the edge of the bed beside the injured teenager.   
  
Jess walked over to the two and pulled a spare sheet out of the shelf to their left. He ripped the pieces quickly and tied them around the already improvised bandages as tightly as he could. You guys need to run, and run far. Get out of this city before it eats you up.  
  
You've done this before. Toner was mumbling half-incoherently, You could always do it Jess, you could do it so we thought we could. He looked up at him wide-eyed. You've never left.  
  
Nathan hurried back into the room in the basement where the other three were. We got a cab, let's go.  
Toner and Jess helped get Antony to his feet, but Jess was doing most of the work. By the time they got out onto the street the day had turned into a watery mess, and all hell was raining down on them as they tried to get Antony across the crowded sidewalk and into the cab. The first three got in at about the time that Jax Diment and Kyle Lanley began approaching them from the end of the block. Nathan, who was half in the car stared over Jess' one shoulder, then switched to the other.  
  
Now we're got some serious trouble. he said lightly under his breath. Hop in.   
Jess just shook his head, I'm not going with you.  
Nathan nodded, understanding. I'll come get you soon. You'll make it out.  
  
Jess pushed away from his friends and looked around in the direction of the expected attackers, but as they were still some distance away Jess tapped on the cab and as it took off, so did he.   
  
He was running around a corner about three blocks later, his face pale and his his clothing drenched when he ran (literally) into a police officer.   
  
  
What's the rush? he said looking down on Jess from where he stood.  
Nothing, I... he raised his hands to make a point and realized that they were still covered in Antony's blood.  
You know the drill I'm assuming? he said pulling out a pair of handcuffs.  
  
*  
  
The cell was bleak, and unclean and the fluorescent lights that hung above would swing every time someone leaned against the cold, metal bars. Which was often in this case because it was summer, and there wasn't any source of air movement. For the obvious reasons there wasn't air conditioning, in fact, Jess thought that if the entire police station had central air they would probably remove it from this room just to make it as uncomfortable as possible.   
  
They brought him into a small, nearly empty room not unlike the ones often seen on crappy cop TV shows. Jess simply sat not saying anything, and it wasn't until someone pointed out that if he didn't start talking there were roughly 50 unsolved murders from the past week that they could pin on him, so he talked about what happened. Well, he outlined the events and left out everything illegal. Jess wasn't one to talk much outside of his own head.   
  
When all the scenarios had been played through over and over again they finally agreed to release him. Liz had come to put up his bail as he was attempting to leave. Apparently it had taken her a day to pick herself off the floor and listen to the message he left with his one phone call.   
  
*  
  
The story from there was pretty simple. Liz had never had faith that he would turn out okay, but now she had run out of patience and effort. So he was shipped off. The end of his time in New York City, and the knowledge that while his friends tried to get away, they would invariably be back, and while he tried to stay where he was - invisible - he had lost everything he had ever known.  
  
Luckily, he had never learned to love, so at least he didn't need to worry about missing any of it.   
  
_You always said destiny would blow me away.  
  
Nothing's going to blow me away._


	15. The Young & The Hopeless

**Author: **Kait.  
**Disclaimer: **Don't own it, the end.  
  
**Acknowledgments: **To **Chris, **whom i love with no end. She's so damn patient with me -right. To **Kat** because how can you not love that woman? **Elise, Melissa, Marissa, Priya, Jamie **and **Ash, **for countless nights of entertainment. **Hadar**, for always having _something_ to say. To **all** my reviewers. Your thoughts mean so much, and I like actually getting to know some of you too, so never hesitate to contact me.:)  
  
Special thanks to**- Ahmee, Katie, Stew Pid, Rory DuGrey, markie, VFoxy **and **Green Eve **(who i hopefully haven't lost as a reader)**. **Oh, and **Mijay**, because she was around a couple of chapters ago.   
  
I love you all! Thanks so much! You rock!  
  
**Author's Note: **I was a tad discouraged at the lack of reviews on the last chapter but I will not let it get me down! On with the show, I hope you enjoy.  
  
Oh, and because i forgot to mention it before the following people got the correct song for the ch. 11 contest' : **Proud Mary **(a.k.a Tracy) and **Victoria.** Um, so yep, there's your present. Pretty crappy, eh? Sorry. I suck, I know.  
  
*  
The Young and the Hopeless.  
Chapter One.  
*  
  
He sat across the table from his alleged father, while his mother had chosen to seat herself between them. This was interesting because last time he checked she despised Jess Mariano about as much her son did. For reasons that were both the same and completely different.   
  
They weren't looking at each other either, and whenever Rory glanced in the direction of Jess a blush creeped into her cheeks before she quickly averted her eyes. Jess was basically doing the same thing, only with less of a blush and more of a look of despair.  
  
Fine, Atticus would be the adult. So? It's been more than five minutes, is anyone going to say anything? At least he wasn't yelling at them, even if they did deserve it for acting like fools. God, there he was grouping them together, he hated this. Why couldn't they just go away altogether? He decided he was too whiney before, forget only having one parent, could he just have none?  
  
Jess leaned forward, obviously wincing when Atticus immediately responded by pulling himself back. Okay, so you obviously know who I am... he trailed off.  
Yes, and might I add thank you for the sperm, it was a pretty critical part of my existence. Now, if you don't mind would it bother you to much to form a complete sentence?  
  
Rory gaped at her son. While he was known to often speak heatedly, after his initial reaction to seeing his father she hadn't expected this. He was hostile, and forward and completely in control of the situation. He was acting the same way she had acted. Maybe he wasn't completely like Jess after all.   
  
Fine. You wrote me a letter, any real reason for that?  
Atticus now shrugged, I just thought you'd like to know that I was okay. Maybe that point didn't get across in the letter.  
It did. he sighed and lowered his gaze, And I did want to know, his voice softened, I thought about it every day.  
The two fell silent, their gazes locked on the table in front of them as Rory simply stared at the site. On of them she had loved with more passion then she ever believed was possible, the other she loved with more of her heart than she ever thought she could possess within her body.   
  
She took this break in silence to speak up, How much longer are you in town Jess?  
His eyes shifted up to meet her gaze, Indefinitely. I mean, I came to figure this out so as soon as it's sorted I guess I can make a more...permanant decision. He bit his lip and looked at her.  
  
  
Meaning I would like to move back here, to Stars Hollow.  
Atticus' eyes shot up, What? You think you can just show back up here and be a dad all of the sudden?! Pieces don't just fall together - this isn't a fucking storybook, what if I don't want you here?  
That's why I said I have to make a decision-  
his face flushed with anger and he stood up, You don't make these decisions. I make these decisions, I think I've earned it. Besides, I don't need your help anymore, in case you can't tell I'm 18. I don't need anymore raising. I'm already grown up.  
I can see that. I just want to try to make it up to you. I know what it's like to be you, my father wasn't around to watch me to grow up either, I know what it would have been like for him to show up when I was 18, I would have been pissed. Atticus was silent, But I also would have been curious.  
I'm not you. Atticus said unconvincingly.  
I've got it written down somewhere that you believe otherwise.  
  
The letter. Atticus said regretfully.  
If it's any consolation, Jess said looking up and into his son's eyes, I am glad you wrote it.  
Atticus nodded, this was getting resolved quicker than he thought it would. They were communicating. Since when did he communicate?  
Yeah, well I had some things I had to get off my chest.  
he agreed.   
This isn't going to be easy for you. I want you to know that, just because you waltz back in here doesn't suddenly make you my father.  
I know.  
And if you want my trust you're going to have to earn it, I mean how do I know you aren't just going to leave again?  
You don't, I guess. He was leaving room for Atticus to speak. He figured it was best to get everything out now, the hostility, the anger, the pain. Maybe then there would be room for everything else he'd missed over the years.  
So you're staying? Atticus mind was torn between hope and wishing that the whole ordeal had never occurred.  
Your call, you said it yourself. Jess said with what could have been a slight look of pride.   
His eyes flickered to his mother and he stood up. Rory can choose. That's my call. He turned around and retreated from the kitchen. This would be a more than interesting decision, but when it came down to it Atticus knew what Rory would choose, and just maybe, that was what he wanted too.  
  
*  
  
A while later a knock sounded on his door. He called out to the person, not willing to get off the bed where he was consumed within yet another book. Rory entered looking at him slightly shyly before approaching the bed and taking a seat on the end of it.   
  
  
His eyes glanced up from the book to meet hers, Is that what it looks like?  
Yes, actually, it does. She said with the hint of a smile.  
  
The two sat in an awkward silence for a moment before Atticus decided to speak up, You decided I assume?  
You know what they say about assuming, She said with the intention of trying to break the tension, it was part of her character to do that and sometimes she thought it was because she wasn't capable of handling herself in uncomfortable situations.  
  
His eyes had found their way back to the pages before she realized that she was talking to her son, not her mother. I told him he could stay. Legally he could stay either way, but I asked him to stay for a while, just to see how it goes.  
Atticus looked up and nodded before re-lowering his gaze, That's great Rory. His tone was not condescending. Neither was it happy, sad or angry. It carried not the simplest inflection towards anything that he was feeling and that scared her just a bit. It made her wonder just how he had learned so well to act completely and utterly emotionless.  
  
But that was the thing with her son, he was all these things that she didn't even know about until after the fact. Lorelai was the one that pointed out that he looked goofy in his Chilton uniform. Luke was the one who made her realize he was having growing attitude problems. Taylor brought up his wayward ways, although the time he was brought home by the cops also helped point that one out. He had never been her little boy. They had never experienced true sentimental attachment, and that sometimes shook her. Right from the moment he was born she had felt the lack of connection. Maybe it was for the simple fact that he was a boy and she was a girl. She was a Gilmore Girl, and she had a baby boy. A baby boy who would grow into a man that she would feel like she knew nothing about. And when it came down to it, there was really no one to blame but herself.   
  
Do you need to talk about anything? she asked, not yet ready to leave the place her son found such comfort in.  
he didn't even look up, but then, sensing something in her voice he placed his book to the side and looked up. Do _you_ need to talk about something?  
No, no, of course not. I'm just wondering how you're getting on through this whole ordeal.  
I'm fine. But to tell you the truth I'm not too sure how you are, I mean you barely even seem like your phased by this. I've never seen you handle something so...well.  
Well you know, we've got a good support system here.  
  
There's something else. Something you're not telling me. Atticus knew that Rory was aware that he could read her. He guessed that she simply thought that in this particular scenario, he'd be too messed up to notice that she was hiding something from him.   
  
I wasn't going to tell you right away.  
He's been back for a week. Atticus stated blankly.  
I know.  
You should hate him. he said unconvincingly.  
I know. Her resistance against breaking down was weakening with every word he uttered. She was so scared, didn't he understand that she was just scared?  
Do you think he'll leave again?  
I don't know.  
For the first time since the conversation began he lifted his gaze to meet her eyes, Please don't let him hurt you again.  
I won't.  
Good, because I'll kick his ass this time. he said in with a hint of a grin.  
Rory laughed, You're like the big brother I never had. she paused, not knowing how he would react but still wanting to tell him, And as much as you were never the son I expected - I would never change a single thing about you.  
He stared at her blankly for a moment then smirked, Time to cue the la-las.  
They sat on his bed smiling at each other for one perfect moment between mother and son before they both went back to their own lives - worlds apart.   
  
*  
  
The soft sounds of Chopin sounded through the main entrance of the DuGrey residence and Dominique instinctively followed the sounds to where her brother was currently perched on the piano bench, slightly bent in concentration. When her heels made their final resounding click' upon the floor, the music ceased and Tristan swiveled around.   
Out all weekend?  
Well even if the thought of spending three days in Teal's company makes you shudder it is far superior to sitting in this house all by myself.  
I've been home since last night.  
You hold yourself in high esteem, brother dear.  
You love me. he said with a self-satisfying smirk.  
Dominique quickly steered the conversation away from anything to do with _that_ word. So, Tristan DuGrey sitting in his parents house waiting for his little sister to come home on a Saturday night? Sounds tragic. What happened?  
I broke up with her.   
Another one? Poor...um, what was her name again?  
  
Right. Poor girl. Not that this is unexpected, you always break up with them. Or get engaged and then break up with them.  
That's not completely true.  
Okay, so one out of four fiancés dump you and that's your focus?  
She was the only one I actually liked.   
she snorted.  
Are you still friends with her son?  
Atticus? Well, you could say that we're _friends_. she said with a devilish grin.  
He pretended to cover his ears, Things I don't need to know about you. he then cringed, You aren't dating him are you? Because that could turn out catastrophically.  
she said definitely.  
Why not?  
It isn't included in my five year plan.  
Of course. he said with a smile.  
She returned it with a nod, Of course.  
He stood up and started walking out of the room, she got up and followed suit, So for our nice, _family_, Sunday night dinner this week how about you tell me what you would like to order in?  
  
*  
  
Atticus rolled off his bed and walked out into the hall, then into the bathroom. He turned on the hot water in the shower and flipped on the stereo that he had in the bathroom and waited for the sounds of drums to fill the air before slowly pulling his shirt over his head. His lean stomach muscles contracted in the quickly dampening air.  
  
He stood in the billowing clouds of condensation musing over the past week. Steam continued to stream out from above the shower curtain but he gave no notice. His eyes were fixated upon their slowly disappearing reflection as he thought about how much had happened since his birthday. Since the year before. And as he thought about this, he realized just how much more was going to happen in this one.   
  
*  
_Hard days made me, hard nights shaped me,   
I don't know they somehow saved me.  
And I know I'm making something out of this life they call nothing.  
*_  
  
To be continued...  
  
Please review!


	16. hold on tightly, let go lightly

**The Young & The Hopeless**

**Chapter Two.**

Author's notes: yes. I am back. Creepy isn't it? Lets just say I never forgot about this story…even though it's been two years since I updated it. I just hope I can keep the inspiration train going. Enjoy, and if you do enjoy please review. And if you hate it tell me about it. I would love some input.

"Good morning." she whispered casually into his ear. He gazed around his room in wonder.

"What's going on?"

"I came to wake you up." she batted her pretty eyelashes at him, and pushed her blonde hair back behind her ear.

His hands reached out to touch her, but she pulled her body backwards so she was sitting straight up on his lap. The room was dark except for the early morning wash of colour and light coming through the gaps in the curtains. From where he was lying on his bed he could vaguely see the outline of her body; she was wearing little clothing, a white halter that exposed a wide expanse of her perfectly flat stomach, and enough of her cleavage to provoke a feeling under the bed sheets.

"I have to tell you something," she was whispering again, and he waited in awe for her to speak again, not willing to halt her voice with his own. Without taking her hands off her thighs where they sat comfortably, she leaned down into his ear, so close he swore he could feel her touching his ear with her lips and the sound of her breathing. "I..."

He couldn't hear the rest. There was a noise blocking it out. He tried to read her lips. What was she saying? The noise continued. What the hell was that noise?

He opened his eyes and was face to face with his blaring alarm. "Fuck."

That was definitely not the best way to start a Monday. Especially considering everything else that had been going on. If it had been reality, sure, it would have been better than fantastic, but since it wasn't? It was bullshit. He was so sick of these constant dreams plaguing him. Reminding him. He was starting to have problems separating his fiction from his reality, but everything in his life had been such a roller coaster lately. He didn't know when or if it ever would go back to normal. Actually, he wasn't even so sure what normal was anymore, or if there ever had been such a thing. Everything was always changing so quickly. He should be better at adapting.

He climbed out of bed, and pulled a pair of boxers on, momentarily ignoring the problem he was facing in the southern portion of his body and tugged his hair into a somewhat manageable mass, before opening his door, glancing out to make sure the coast was clear and then bolting into the bathroom. No need for anyone else to see what kind of an effect his dreams were having on him.

He stood underneath the chilled water trying to clear his head of the thoughts of the blonde DuGrey girl. He remembered the first time he met her. How nice she had been to him. He thought she was sweet that day, thought she was a good girl. That was back before he had ever gone to Chilton. Back before he knew what she was like. But then again, Atticus was very sure that underneath everything she put on she really could be sweet. Okay, maybe sweet was an overstatement. Tolerable was a more likely reality.

After showering, changing and grabbing something quickly he left the apartment. It was an hour earlier than he usually left for school, but he knew if he could manage to have left by this time he wouldn't run the risk of running into Rory. He was careful not to slam the door on his way out.

The streets of Stars Hollow had the same feeling of every morning. Gentle insistence. Bustling casualty. The fall day was warm and bright, the sun casting its delicate but enchanting glow upon the small town, which held so much underlying disdain for the boy driving its streets.

Atticus was stopped at the only stoplight in the entire town and had a clear view into Luke's diner. The usual hustle was going on and he decided that picking up a coffee in Hartford would save him the trouble of any awkward encounters with the townsfolk. He had been living in this town full time for nearly two months and was still doing anything he could to avoid the members of the Stars Hollow community. Atticus had a difficult time dealing with regular people, so dealing with the people of this town was something he hadn't yet mastered the art of. Finally, the light turned green and he could continue on his journey to his second favourite place on earth – Chilton.

By the time the bell rang for lunch Atticus was ready to go home. Actually, that was lie – he was ready to go home five minutes before first period. But he had stuck it out because he had a history of music and English after lunch and those were his two favourite classes. He had hoped he would be able to find Tobey kicking around in the hallways, but after having little luck he made his way to the dining hall to see if perhaps his friend had stumbled in there by accident. He looked around the large room to see a variety of his classmates, but no best friend.

"Dodger!" he turned his head to see who had shouted his name from somewhere across the room, but couldn't determine the origin. "Dodger!" he heard it again and realized that it was coming from the back of the hall. He made his way over to the small group, who were huddled around their coffees and instruments.

"How's it going guys?"

Skogen was the first to speak, "It would be going much better if we could find our effing drummer. I'm going bloody ballistic. We've got a ruddy gig in the morrow."

Tanner and Atticus both gave him a bit of a look, before Vaylen informed them that Skogen had been doing quite a bit of research into Anarchy in the UK in the eighties over the past few weeks and was going through a bit of a phase. "He'll get through it." She said.

"But have you seen Tobey?" Ash asked. "He said he would meet us to practice in third period because we all have spares, but he never showed. We were hoping you had seen him?"

"I've been looking for him too." Atticus said.

"So you've got no idea either?" Vaylen asked. He shook his head and she muttered a quiet "shit".

"Thanks for your help anyway dude. You coming tomorrow night?" Ash asked to a retreating Atticus.

"Uh, well, you never know." He smirked and then turned away, determined to seek out Tobey Hart.

About ten minutes later Atticus found himself wandering the halls aimlessly. He hadn't been able to find Tobey anywhere and was about to give up hope when he thought perhaps his friend could have been blowing off some steam. This was convenient considering Atticus was standing outside the door to the boys locker room, but it was as good an idea as any he had so far.

As it turned out it was also a fairly accurate idea, as he found his one and only best friend right where he suspected – in the boys locker room. He was not, however, in any type of shape that Atticus had ever imagined he would be in. Instead of the warm glow that normally highlighted his skin after a workout, the boy was pale, gaunt and draped in a cold sweat. His eyes were empty and missing the passion that Atticus had grown so used to. And instead of being the always ready to go, always perfect, always put together, son of a congressman, he was nearly passed out on one of the benches.

"Tobey!" Atticus rushed to his side and kneeled beside him. "You okay man? You look like shit."

Abruptly Tobey sat up and wiped his brow. The energy hit his eyes and he looked at Atticus. "Yeah man, I'm fine. What's wrong?"

Atticus stared him down for a minute and then diverted his eyes. "Nothing, you just looked…" he paused, and shook his head, "Don't worry about it."

Suddenly the red of the lockers took on a bright colour, emphasizing the background, and almost willing Atticus to look anywhere but at his best friend. At least, that's what his brain was telling him was happening. Everything took on a contrast to the lockers. The dingy grey floor, the dark wash of Tobey's pants, the pale shade of his skin. Something in the back of his mind was trying to tell him something he didn't want to hear and it was causing his head to pound. He needed to get away. He needed some type of release for whatever pressure was building up inside his head.

"I've got to run man. I'll catch up with you later." Atticus said as he began to leave the room.

"But we didn't get to – " he didn't hear what Tobey said as the door swung shut behind him.

Now Atticus was storming the halls in the opposite direction of where he had previously been going. Now he was trying to get away from the friend he had spent all that time searching for. Now he was thinking that perhaps what he really needed was to be alone with his thoughts. He needed to be alone to think, and to compile a list in his mind of all the reasons why what he was thinking could not possibly be true. That it was absolutely impossible and completely deluded on his part to even let it cross his mind. He rounded a corner and stopped just in time to see Oliver and Teal standing about half way down the corridor conversing with each other, giving him enough room to turn and continue his path in the opposite direction. Of course, the mere sight of those two suddenly pulled his thoughts from Tobey and onto another blonde with secrets in the school. And to where perhaps she could be if her best friends were conversing in the halls. It was unlikely that she was dining, as girls such as Dominique were well known to not eat in public, or even at all.

And because of these thoughts he had to feel guilty. Because his mind had been pulled away from worry for his best friend and onto a pair of legs and hips and breasts. Not that they weren't fascinating body parts and worthy of his attention, there were just other things he should be thinking about at the moment. Like Tobey, and the fact that he had been behaving oddly, and moodily, and then there was the part about him kind of looking like a cokehead. He looked ill, really quite ill and part of that shook Atticus a little bit because it brought him back to the spring and the last time he had seen someone in that state. The last time Atticus had seen anyone look that bad he ended up dying on the street in front of his apartment. So why had Atticus just left Tobey lying in the locker room after he had seen him go from horrible to fine in less than a second? Because he wouldn't – no, couldn't – allow himself for a single second to let those two situations be considered to be at all similar. So he was going to be fine. He probably just had the flu.

Or at least that was what Atticus would have to settle for as his brain stopped functioning the second he walked outside and encountered the very legs, hips and breasts his mind had been trying to avoid since he first woke up this morning.

Her feet sloped upward in a gorgeous pair of Manolos that probably cost more than his car and were exceedingly distant from the saddle shoes that were to be worn with the rest of her uniform. Dominique in a school uniform was the epitome what every boy who lay alone at night thought of; in those clothes, she was utter stroke material. Her tan was still strong from the summer and peeked out from under her skirt, which was unlikely to be at regulation length. But she looked stunning, even above the waist. Her white oxford was unbuttoned enough at the top to show off her neckline, which was graced with a beautiful white gold necklace with her birthstone. He shouldn't have known her birthstone. The curves of her body were outlined and defined to the point where one knew they existed, but still had plenty of room to let their imagination run free. She was lovely. With her platinum hair pushed back off her face and in curls, she gave Atticus a small wink before walking by him and into the halls of Chilton. He smirked and turned around, allowing himself to watch her enter the building.

She was cunning, she was beautiful, and if he could only have it his way, she would be his. At least for one more night.

It wasn't that she didn't know what to do in this situation, it was just that no matter how many times she created it in her head she knew that inevitably, it wouldn't go the same way in real life. No matter how well she planned it, no matter how many different scenarios she ran through, the outcome would not be predictable.

"What is this?"

His eyes looked up from the newspaper quickly and pierced into hers. They were vivid and she felt disarmed. She looked away from him, feeling as if that was the only way she could continue. And she hated that, because before she had prided herself on her ability to stand up to him and be honest. But now? Well now she supposed she had something to lose.

So she continued, "It's just that…well, I mean…I waited a long time for…something, anything and now…" Rory couldn't get her words together. She just wanted to give up, say nothing. It was easier that way, wasn't it? It wouldn't resolve the conflict resounding in her head. Instead she did the brave grown-up thing and just spoke her mind. "You move here, years ago, then eventually you steal me from my boyfriend. We get together. I get pregnant. You run away. The kid grows up. You come back, we hook up. Where does this leave any of us?" she paused, catching her breath and finally gathered the courage to meet his eyes. "Where does this put you and me?"

This time he was the one without the courage to look at her. "I don't know."

She rolled her eyes. Suddenly thinking herself an idiot.

He looked at her again, "What do you want this to be?"

She glared. He smirked.

"Rory, this all happened so fast. I didn't see things going half this well. My apologies for not being better prepared."

"Fine. You know what? Let's not have this conversation. Not now. I just wanted a fraction of an idea of what was going on before we barged over to see my mom and Luke and had to explain what the hell is going on." She crossed her arms and huffed. She knew she was overreacting, but she didn't care.

"Why do you need a definition?"

"Why Jess? Because the last time we were undefined you thought it was suitable to knock me up and run away for 18 years."

"Rory-" he tried to explain but she interrupted him.

"Oh just fuck off Jess. I don't need bullshit from you of all people, at least give me that much respect." She turned around and left the room before he could even get out of his chair. He slumped onto the table, putting his head in his hands and sighed in frustration.

"Women".

Dominique wasn't sure what it was about today but she was in a good mood – or at least what she would consider a good mood for herself. It could have been that she woke up this morning feeling well rested and in her own bed. Or that Tristan and her had sat up late talking and watching movies, but still managed to be asleep long before her usual bedtime. Or even the fact that it was a Monday and nothing had happened yet to sufficiently piss her off. Whatever the case may have been she felt like today she could do anything.

Today was the kind of day where she took quiet notice of her surroundings. The type of day where all the colours seemed brighter and more vivid, people seemed more enchanting, and everything felt more real and alive than usual. It was the type of day where she wished she could fall in love.

But of course, she couldn't do a thing like that. She was Dominique DuGrey, the mysterious heartbreaker. She had not always been that way, as no one ever is. When she was a child she remembered warmth and love and comfort. Her parents of course, provided very little of any of this and what she remembered mostly came from her brother and her more distant relatives. But she, like so many other scorned teens quickly learned the beauty and precision of a defence mechanism. She assumed the difference between hers and most others was that where they let their falter and be swayed by others hers stood like a stone wall.

It wasn't that she didn't want to love. It wasn't that she didn't want the company, or the constant reassurance that she was deserving of love. She just felt as if none of it –no matter how incredible or powerful her emotions could become they would never equal the pain she would feel after the loss of them. That was why she never took any time to think about the men she knew. If she thought about them they would start to get to her. And that was something she simply could not allow. Which was why she was now berating herself silently for allowing her thoughts to linger on one Atticus Mariano.

Try as she might though, they just wouldn't stop.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why did she allow herself to behave like this? Rory Gilmore was silently berating herself for always being a fool over the opposite sex. It wasn't as if she hadn't had enough practice dealing with them by this point – she raised one, she should be the expert. And yet still…here she was, confused once again. It wasn't fair.

Life wasn't fair. She knew that. She just had to stop on occasion and remind herself that she knew it. More often than not Rory had a difficult time believing that she was a mother, let alone the mother of a teenager. She felt like a teenager herself. Time passed quickly, and more quickly with each year. She was nostalgic for the days when it was just her mother and herself. Things were simple before boys and work and life. Lorelai had Luke and her own tight knit family, and although she and Rory were still best friends, Rory still felt distanced from it all. It could have to do with the fact that Rory had been moving about the country in a nearly frantic pattern for the past eighteen years, searching for some sort of solidity that she thought only a job in journalism could suffice her with. It was only after several years of chasing her dream that she realized it was only that – a dream.

Dreams served a purpose. A well intended purpose as well, but for girls like Rory they were only there to taunt and keep them on a set course. It wouldn't be until years later that they would realize that the dreams they were so eagerly pursuing – the lives that they dreamed of – were what would inevitably keep them from ever having a real life. If life is not what you achieve and it's not where you end up, it is in fact the journey to get there, where had late nights at the office, countless horrendous business trips and shattered relationships with her family (most especially her son) gotten her?

Certainly not a life. At least, not the one she had dreamed of.

Tobey was shaking in the dark. He closed his eyes to try and stop the images from flooding his eyes, and rolled onto his side. He was at home, lying in his king sized bed in hopes of sweating off whatever it was he had consumed.

Once again he was alone, quivering like a little girl, and rebuking himself in the cold upper wing of his house. There was no one home – there rarely was – so he could have made as much noise as he wanted. If he weren't so sick he probably would be screaming out loud, throwing things, or maybe banging out something indecipherable on his drum kit.

He leaned over the side of the bed and threw up. He would feel better now. And if he had a nap. That would make him feel better as well. He hoped in any case. His thoughts were stagnant. Stale. He felt like everything he heard inside his head had for some reason already been repeated out loud. But there was no noise. No noise at all. In fact it was too quiet, he needed music. He reached beside the bed and hit the remote. His stereo started up, the surround sound suddenly filling the room with loud music. Too loud. He needed something softer. He hit another button and a new song started. Some woman, no, not just anyone - Tori Amos, covering Nirvana. She had such a pretty voice. Such a lovely voice, kind of like…no. He wouldn't think about her now. Not when he was like this.

He climbed out of bed and walked across the room to the bathroom. The light inside was blinding and he switched it off, opting instead to turn on the light overtop of the Jacuzzi tub that was controlled by a dimmer.

Tobey looked into the mirror at himself. Or maybe he wasn't himself anymore, he really wasn't sure. The lines were visible again, etched into his perfect complexion. He pulled on a cheek and the under-eye bags stretched out, revealing pale, discoloured skin. He looked like shit. At least his outside was finally a reflection of the inside, he thought. His stomach lurched again and he emptied the remaining contents of his stomach into the sink.

Maybe, he thought as he wiped vomit off the side of his mouth, this was a sign that he should stop. Maybe it was getting out of his control.

The phone interrupted his thoughts and he searched the room for the cordless phone. He left the bathroom and stalked over to beside his bed where it lay resting. He cleared his throat before answering. "Hello?"

"Bee?"

"Hi mom"

"I need you to tell your father that I'm not coming home."

"What does that mean mother?" he had gotten used to these calls about ten years ago. His poor neglected mother was a bit of a drama queen and would randomly decide that by threatening to leave them she would gain a bit of headway within the family. His dad being a man's man usually knew when she was baiting him and would play along with just enough enthusiasm to make sure she wouldn't _actually_ leave them, before going back to pretending she was only around to spend his money.

"You know what this means bee..."

He inhaled deeply, "Fuck you mother" and hung up the phone.

He rolled over, so that he was flat on his back staring at the ceiling. He just looked up and felt bland. He supposed there might be something wrong with that, but in this instant he couldn't force himself to care. He closed his eyes and welcomed the haze that passed over his barely conscious mind. Everything was getting darker and further away.

And he loved every second of it. "You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins." He whispered into the dark with a laugh. She wouldn't hear him here though. Not now, and not ever.

A small, ironic smile graced his lips as he drifted off to a drug induced sleep.

"Hi Mom" Rory Gilmore spoke as her mother, Lorelai Danes welcomed her at the door.

"How's everything going babe?"

That was a loaded question, with an unpredictable answer. While half of her wanted to break down and wail to her mother that her life was full of unaccomplished goals, and that everything she had achieved was worthless because her son didn't love her she knew better. She shrugged and pulled herself into her mother's arms. Lorelai brought Rory into the house and the pair sat on the couch.

"Is it wrong that I think that I deserved more than this in life?"

"Rory, sweetie you are just beginning. You are finally starting to get it all together. You've got your job, which is what you've always wanted, and Dodger is almost grown up. And he's almost a functional human being."

She covered her face. "No, he's not. I wrecked him. I don't know how, but he didn't come out right."

"You did not wreck him. He is fine; he's just a teenager that's all. You don't realize this because you were born and then you were 30. There was no awkward in-between stage."

"I left him alone too often, I gave him too much space."

"You didn't. He's a boy, had you crowded him he would have ended up living with his mother until he was 40. He would be Kirk. You wouldn't want a Kirk would you?"

"No. But I didn't want a Jess either. I mean, who knows what he even does with his time? Does he date? Smoke? Have sex?" she whispered the last part like a child scared to talk about a forbidden topic.

"Is this Jess you are wondering about? Or your son?"

"Well…both of them I guess. I feel like I don't know either one. That's pretty scary considering I haven't seen one of them in 18 years and the other one I've spent just as many raising."

"Rory you were having sex at his age. Anyone who can do math can figure that much out. So I think it's fair to say that our dear Dodge has probably been getting it on for a while now." A new voice entered the conversation and caused both the women to swing their head towards the door.

"Kennedy…now is really not the time for you to be a smart ass." Lorelai glared down her younger daughter.

"But, I mean come on…he's eighteen…you two don't seriously think he's a virgin? I mean, this is the Gilmore family we're talking about. Shouldn't we be impressed with the fact that he hasn't managed to reproduce by now?" Kennedy replied.

"If you think that attitude is going to earn you a longer punishment darling you are completely and utterly correct." Lorelai spoke in an authoritative tone.

"Why thank you mother dearest." Kennedy replied by sticking out her tongue, which was purple and swollen. Probably the by-product of the piece of metal that was now piercing her tongue.

Rory stared back and forth between the pair; this was nothing like the relationship she shared with her mother. Rory and Lorelai had never really been mother-daughter. They had been friends first and foremost, and Lorelai rarely pulled out the authority card. And yet here she was with Kennedy, who was about as different from Rory as Atticus. But somehow Lorelai still managed to have fun with her younger daughter, encouraging her to be different, but at the same time maintaining sensibility.

"How come you never grounded Rory as a teenager? Was it because she was perfect and boring?" Kennedy asked

"No. It was because she never would have had the nerve to dye her hair that horrendous colour" was the reply from the eldest of the three, and then she added, "but yes, she was perfect and boring."

"I was not boring!" insisted Rory

"Uh, I beg to differ. What was something crazy you did? I would leave you alone in that house to have keggers and you would do laundry! Hardly a proper utilization of time."

"Well, I got knocked up. That was good and crazy. Was that proper utilization of time?"

The other two fell silent as a pained expression covered her face.

"Look on the bright side, at least you got to lose your virginity to Jess. He's bloody gorgeous." Kennedy insisted.

Rory sighed, "Well, at least that's something that hasn't changed."

"How is that going anyway?" Lorelai asked, leaning over to pick up a bowl of cheesies.

"Ugh" was Rory's only reply.

"That good eh?" Kennedy asked with a grin on her face.

"He's such a…" Rory fell silent

Lorelai quirked an eyebrow, "Such a?"

"Such a boy!" she exclaimed finally

"Ahh…" Kennedy and Lorelai said at the same time.

"Yeah, boys suck." Kennedy elaborated.

"It's good that you've learned this early grasshopper." Lorelai told her youngest.

"It's just unfortunate that you'll forget this very important lesson every time one looks at you in that…way that they do. That way that makes you forget your head. It's not fair that they have that ability." Rory added.

The three just nodded and stared ahead in silence. However, with Kennedy in the room they all knew it wouldn't last very long.

Atticus headed towards the Dragon Fly with a look of determination on his face. He pulled open the French doors and walked in as if he owned the place. He strode up to the front desk and smiled at the girl answering the phones. She had lost focus on what she was discussing on the phone and was now flat out staring at him. Atticus rolled his eyes. He hadn't always been good looking and it was hard for him to grasp the concept of being mentally undressed. He stopped at the counter, and she continued staring, lips slightly parted.

"Hi."

She blushed and averted her eyes, "hi dodger"

So she knew his name. Or his nickname in any case, which was about all he had come to expect from people that knew him by reputation. "I'm looking for Jess Mariano."

"Mariano? Isn't that your last name?" she looked suspicious, as if she had heard a few too many rumours and didn't know what to believe.

"Yes. Hence the reason I am looking for him."

She blushed and typed something into the computer that was sitting next to her.

"He's in room 13"

"How expected."

Atticus made his way towards the stairs with as much stature as he could muster. People here had become accustomed to his occasional visits. Usually he would just wander the grounds in pursuit of some greater enlightenment, looking casual and aloof. But no matter his manner he was rarely approached from someone that wasn't kin to him. So he had fair reassurance that he would not be interrupted on this rather ominous journey up the stairs.

It was the most difficult eighteen steps he had ever taken. Eighteen stairs, eighteen years. Each step felt like a lifetime, each second and each breath daring him to turn around. What are you doing little boy? Chasing after the father who left you years ago. He doesn't want you. He never did. Part of him was screaming. Part of him was whispering support. He came back for you didn't he?

Deep breath now. He was at the top of the stairs. The room was not far off. He made it to the door, raised his hand and stopped. He paused, thinking things over in his mind. Maybe this was a bad idea, maybe –

His thoughts were cut off as his hand on it's own accord lifted itself and knocked firmly against the door. No answer. This was a dumb idea what was he doing? He was being stupid. This was stupid. He turned to walk away as the door opened. He paused.

"Hey" his father greeted him gently, and Atticus could almost predict the look on his face.

"Hi," Atticus said awkwardly without turning around.

A moment passed with Atticus staring at the wall and Jess staring at Atticus staring at the wall in wonderment. Jess didn't feel old enough to have a kid this old. It was all a little bit unreal.

"Uh, do you want to come in or something?" Jess asked

Atticus finally turned around to face him, their eyes making contact for the first time in several days. "Yeah, sure, I guess".

"Okay". Jess held back the door and let his son enter his small hotel room.

Atticus walked in and looked around at the scattered belongings. A laptop sat closed on the antique desk hooked into a small set of speakers. A couple of t-shirts were hanging out of a half-open drawer and there was a discarded pair of jeans lying on the ground beside the wooden chair that sat beside the desk. There was a pack of cigarettes on the bedside table and for whatever reasons this relaxed Atticus. He took a breath. This was easy – this should be easy. There was no need for anxiety or stress or heavy breathing. He was forgetting the cardinal rule in dealing with his father. The one thing that had been guiding him the whole way along.

They were the same. And while Atticus held fear and loathing for many people – he was not one of them, as much as he sometimes complained.

"I just thought I'd stop by and see if you wanted to talk or something. Since you know…you live here now and everything."

"Yeah, no, I know…that would be good. Perfect, actually." Jess paused, gathering his thoughts. "Do you want to go for a walk or something?"

"Sure, what could be less conspicuous than two of Stars Hollow's most wanted trouncing around town together"?

"Well at least they will actually have something to stare at now."

"Yeah, imagine. The two biggest monosyllabic loners Stars Hollow has ever had engaging in normal conversation right on the main street for all to see."

"Hey, what makes you think I was a monosyllabic loner?"

"The stories man. They get around."

"Huh."

"Yeah."

They just stared at each other for a moment. Then Atticus opened his mouth once again, "Maybe we should stay away from Main Street though."

"Just to be on the safe side." Jess said nodding his head in agreement.

"Yeah."

"Okay."


End file.
